It's not lost on me the degree to which any plans I might want to make for the 30 days before my birthday have the additional burden of coinciding with "The Holidays." Growing up with a birthday on January 5th means that I'm used to having my day in the shadows of the overindulgent consumerism blitzkrieg that Christmas and New Years has become. By the time my birthday rolls around, most people are broke and genuinely tired of parties of any shape or size. That's why I feel blessed beyond my wildest expectations to have friends that would actually brave a blizzard to join me for a birthday brunch.
But, for me, the girl who always has a big plan in her back pocket, it can be particularly tricky when I want to set goals for the time leading up to my birthday, because I have a mine field of traps to get through on the way. I have to get through the endless to do lists, the Christmas cards and the shopping, the cooking and cleaning the house for family visitors. The kids holiday shows, the parties and the party food. And drinks. And food. And did I mention, the food?
One of my completely serious goals was to follow the basics on this eating plan that included no snacks, no sugar and no flour. While it's supposed to be for life, I liked the idea of following it until I felt like my sugar cravings were better under control and I'd lost a little of the baby belly I've been carrying around for way too many years. I started that eating plan about a week before Thanksgiving and did great on it, until Thanksgiving. And here I am a week and a half later and I still haven't been able to get back on it for more than a day. I had this dream that I would arrive at 40 in the best shape of my life. That's a very motivating goal for me and I thought that would be enough to get me through the sticky holiday foods at least mostly intact and better off than when I started. Tomorrow is Monday and a new, fresh week begins. Maybe I can get back on that horse and stay on a little longer this time.
OK. Here's today's entry.
Letting Go: I had thought last night as I was trying to get to sleep that I'd love to give up fear. But even as the thought was forming I knew it wasn't actually possible. Fear is as much a part of life as love is. Fear serves a valuable purpose and the only way a person can be truly brave is in the presence of fear. But as I turned the ideas around and dug deeper, I came to this: I had a habit of allowing fear to paralyze me from taking action. My Chinese zodiac sign is a rabbit and I often feel like my fear response is very much like a rabbit's. I freeze. I don't run OR fight; it's almost like my fight or flight hormones just lock up and I do nothing. And so, that's what I want to let go of. I've come to feel that any action, even if it might sometimes be the wrong one, is better than no action. (I don't think this is good advice for everyone by any means. People who are prone to acting without thinking need to do the opposite. But for me, this is a good one.) I see this as a big reason why I haven't been more successful in my career so far. I am letting go of my 30s "Fear Freeze."
Gratitude: Today I am grateful for the ability to create things. Over the weekend I made a board book for a friend's baby who was turning one. I had ordered a few blank board books for another project a while ago and had a couple left over. I got this idea for a personalized "peek-a-boo" book using images of the child's family members and pet. I pasted a picture on each page and then glued "curtains" over each picture so the baby can try to guess who is behind each one. I had so much fun putting it all together and found that at each step, I had exactly what I needed to pull it all off. Now I need to do another one for my nephew and I'm really looking forward to it! For the next one, I'll try to document how I do it for future reference.
Shooting for: In my 40s, I will formalize my giving relationships. Today's Gratitude reminded me of just how good it feels when I'm not just giving to be giving, but when I feel like I'm giving something that is unique to me; whether its a homemade gift or doing something for someone else that I am specifically wired to do. While my husband and I give regularly to our favorite charities every year and I try to volunteer at events when I can, I want to become more consistently involved with a few organizations or causes that I am uniquely positioned to share just the right skills or perspective or network or resources. While it could be something like joining the board of a non-profit, I can also envision so many more ways that I could plug into a regular practice of making the world a kinder more hopeful place in some small, and yet tangible way.
As I close up, I like to imagine how these three things tie together, like three cards in a tarot reading showing past, present and future.
Goodnight. ~k
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