DAY 23

I'm starting this post earlier in the day than usual because tonight, I'm going out with a friend to a painting class! It's one of those drink and paint places, and whether or not I paint what they are teaching, I really love getting a few hours to create something for no other reason than because I enjoy it. I used to paint at home a lot more often before I had kids. And I try to do arts and crafts projects with the kids a couple times a month, but it's not quite the same.

Today was mostly a lazy Saturday with the family at home. I didn't even make it to my yoga class, but I'm not really broken up about it. Out of the last 7 days, I've gone to the gym 5 times. That's plenty. I did manage a few things that seemed important to tackle and I took the kids to the park. There were at least 25 more productive things I could have picked to do today. But I didn't.

Since I've been meditating more consistently over the last couple of years, I'm finding it easier to relax on days like this and not feel bad about it. I'm very motivated on my goals, but I don't feel so rushed to get it all done "right this minute." It's easier than it used to be, for me to take a step back and take a breath as I also take in a bigger perspective. For a long time, I beat myself up for not doing enough, for not working harder, for not working faster.  And after hearing my husband say, maybe 187 times that I do more than enough, that I work very hard, and yet, perhaps, I could actually do things a little faster (ha, ha!), and that I should cut myself a break, I started to try to believe it. That has been a very gradual process for me, but it has a lot to do with realizing that I have more time than I think I do. And that Time is not a fixed asset, but a stretchy, bendy amorphous lens that is more controlled by our perception than by the clock. (but that's another story)

I've come to see 'constant busy-ness' as an addictive behavior that allows us to avoid really experiencing our emotions or our relationships with each other. I still have many days that feel busy, but I notice when I don't take the time to play with the kids because I'm in a hurry to make dinner. In those moments, I tell myself that it's totally OK and that I'll make up that important time with them soon. And then, I do so. While I certainly wish on many days that I had achieved more than I have so far in my life, I could never wish away the precious time I get watching my kids be kids.

Letting Go: This is a big one today. When I was 31, I decided that I wanted to be a health coach. I went to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in NYC and became a certified Holistic Health Coach. I started my business about six months before getting pregnant. And for most of this decade, my coaching business has shared my focus with being a mom. But over the last few years, I've been noticing a shift in me that I just can't ignore. I believe so deeply in helping others to heal and gain greater wellness, but I have a growing sense that coaching is not the best way for me to do that. The more I have learned about the realities of our food and healthcare industries, the more I feel that the deck is stacked against us. And the less money people have, the harder it is for them to be truly well. While I thought of coaching this underserved population, the fact is, they wouldn't have the means to implement what it would take to help them feel better. And this is horribly wrong. Health is not a privilege for the elite, but a basic human right. Even as I've been migrating towards what's next with my writing and activism and my desire to start speaking at live events, I've been hesitant to officially say goodbye to my health coaching business. But today, I realize that I need to make room for my new work by letting go of the work that is no longer serving me. Today, I am letting go of my health coaching career.

Gratitude: I am really, really grateful for my friends. I have amazing friends. Both the ones that I get to see often and the ones that I rarely get to see because we're separated by either distance or timing. I've been thinking of some lately that I haven't gotten to see in a while and I recently got to reconnect with one of them for a nice long chat. My friends inspire me and support me. My friends are funny and loving and so very accepting. My mother started telling me on my first days of school that I should choose my friends wisely. I think I've done an excellent job with that and I'm so grateful that they chose me back! Thanks, y'all!

Shooting for: In my 40s, I will go camping at least once a year! Just this year, my husband and I started going camping again for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years. And before that, it was sporadic at best. We did one 'park & camp' with the kids in the mountains in Western North Carolina and it was... like a refreshing dip in the ocean for the whole family. A total cleanse from our usual urban life - and it was only for one night! More recently, husband and I did a 4 day/3 night backpacking trip through Eastern Kentucky, this time, without kids. I discovered how restorative and healing this time in nature and especially the time I spend completely unplugged from phone, computers, tablets and even a watch, were for me. This is more necessity than luxury and I want it for my kids as much or more than I want it for myself. Once a year is the minimum. We will do this. And maybe I'll start a blog about great campsites to visit with kids. I already know one outstanding one!

OK. It's late again, as I have finished up this post. But the good news is that now I can post a picture of the painting I made tonight. It was inspired by Kandinsky and one other painting that I saw in the room and liked. I don't think it's really finished, but I ran out of time. And who knows when I'll make the time to sit down and finish it? Maybe I'll surprise myself!
Goodnight. ~k