DAY 30

Me, a long time ago.
Can you guess what kind of a woman this girl will be at 40 years old?

The countdown begins today. I got the idea to do this from my older brother when he was about to turn 40 four years ago. This is my journey through the last 30 days of being a 30-something.

When I was a teenager, there was a show called ThirtySomething and even though I didn't really watch it much, the bits I saw made being a 30-something seem to be the height of the human experience. You had real jobs and families, or you had divorce and complications, you had intense love affairs or you got cancer. This is what being an adult was all about. From one extreme to another, these people were really living in the prime (or prime drama) of their lives. Who cared what happened in your 40s or 50s, right?

And somehow, as I aged into my 20s and started the negotiations of living on my own and trying to identify as an adult although I still felt more like a kid compared to everyone else, I got this idea that my life in particular, was going to hit some kind of peak in my 30s. I had the feeling that I would finally figure out my career, that I would be more confident and that I would feel like an adult in the prime of my life, just like those Late-80s-Hip people on the show.

As I look back on the last decade, I can see a little truth to those predictions, but mostly, they fall way short of the complexity and contradictions I found in reality. Such as the fact that I generally feel more confident now than I did in my 20s, but I can still swing from fairly confident to doubting everything I've ever said or done in a matter of moments, and do, on most days.

If our youth is about growing into the experience of being human, our middle years can be about finding and living our purpose in being human. Looking back, it seems that my 30s were all about seeking, reflecting and experimenting. And it's only been in the last year or two that I've been able to bring everything together into a cohesive picture.

Who I am (today) is a woman who: writes and thinks a lot, mothers and nurtures, loves to plan and dream big, and chips away at those goals slowly, in fits and starts. My life has been filled with so many exciting experiences and accomplishments - and I am grateful that I can acknowledge that, because often, I was aiming lightyears beyond what I actually achieved.

Everyday, for the next 30 days (the last 30 days of my 30s) I want to share one thing from my 30s that I'm ready to let go of, one thing in my present life that I'm grateful for and one thing in my 40s that I'm shooting for.

Letting Go: Clutter! I just finished reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo and was really struck by the idea that having excess stuff actually causes us to buy more stuff. I loved the idea that by really, dramatically paring down the amount of stuff I own, I could actually learn how to feel more content with what I have and stop buying or keeping so many things that I don't really need. Just the idea of that relaxes me deep within. While she recommends about 6 months to do everything,  I wonder if I'll actually need a full year looking at the amount of crap I have.  Leaving room for real life to happen, I can count on getting through my clothes, which I've already started on, in the next 30 days.

Gratitude: My relationship with my children has to be the first thing I list, even though it's certainly the most obvious. Their births were the greatest gifts of my thirties, bringing with them the deepest love I have ever felt, the greatest lessons I have ever needed to learn, the purest joy I have ever smiled and the saddest fears I have ever cried. In the wink of an eye, we can bring faith, hope and love into yet another existence in our world. It's wild. And it's beautiful. And I am grateful for every high and low that comes with being a mom. While I prefer the highs, I can be grateful for all of it when I remember that it's the lows that make me stronger and wiser.

Shooting For: I write a book that sells over a million copies in my 40s. Or maybe I write 5 books that each sell over 200,000 copies. Either one works. I wrote fairly consistently in my 30s and managed to self-publish one children's book at 38. So, yes, this is a lofty goal for me, but I like the idea of it, so why the Hell shouldn't I shoot for it?

As this day one is almost over, I'll say, Goodnight. ~k