DAY 18

I remember learning early on from my Mom that my due date was actually December 17th, which means that I was born just shy of 3 weeks late. Today, some say that, back then, they weren't as accurate at determining due dates, and ultrasounds were only performed when there was a problem or concern, so it's likely that my assigned due date was off. But even with a margin of error, it is clear that I was definitely on the longer side of a typical gestation, and to prove it, I outweighed all three of my brothers at birth. 

It was interesting growing up with this knowledge about myself. Knowing that I might have had a different birth month AND year. That I could have been a Sagittarius instead of a Capricorn. And knowing that I was so late, that loved ones, like my grandmother, that had traveled to visit in anticipation for my arrival, had to give up and return home before I decided to show my face. Back in the days when moms weren't so pressured and fear-mongered into interventions and C-sections, I was allowed to choose my own birth day, and December 17th wasn't it. I've often wondered what I was waiting for. Or if it was just way to cozy in there to come out in the dead of winter.

I also grew up with this thing about being late. I was usually late. For just about everything. And I could always say, "Well, I was born late. What do you expect?" I've worked hard to be a bit more reliable and develop discipline around being punctual for the important things, but without a bit of effort, it's all too easy for me to fall back into my late pattern. As I've worked with this tendency in myself, I've sometimes wondered if it's a clue to my unique spiritual preset or if it came from growing up knowing that I was "born late." My spiritual preset being that I love to linger in the present moment and I'm very slow to take action. I imagine my unborn self debating on whether or not I was ready to be born on a daily basis, and then deciding that I wasn't ready to decide and that I need to sleep on it. On and on, for 18 days. Or, if I always knew that I was going to be ready to emerge on January 5th and I was snickering at all the fools outside who thought they could guess my next move.

As I write this, I have one friend who is pregnant with a girl whose due date is today. (the day is not quite over!) And I have another couple of friends who are adopting a girl whose first due date was January 5th, and it was corrected to January 15th. I'm sending lots of love and patient breaths to the moms and dads. I promise, no matter what day she chooses, she'll be worth the wait!

Letting Go: I became a mom in my 30s and I was told that I seemed to take my role as a mom very seriously; that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a perfect mom. I really don't think I'm alone in this. I see a culture that is still stuck on the Super Mom mentality and it's very hard for an individual mom to break free of it. I felt it tonight, perhaps more clearly than I ever have before, some ways that I cater to my children more than necessary. In fact, I had the thought that, not just am I wearing myself out, but I'm teaching my children to remain dependent upon me rather than to become more and more independent. I see this as a sliding scale, where I do manage to encourage independence in some areas, but others, for some reason, I've been trying to retain control. Tonight, I realized that it's time for me to let go of a little bit more of my "supermomitis" and start allowing myself to be a good ole, "good enough mom." And I know that my kids are ready for this growth as well. (At least they better be!) This is exciting to think about, in terms of regaining some of my own energy, but scary as I realize that they are needing me less and less each day. 

Gratitude: Today I am grateful that independent bookstores were NOT wiped out by Amazon after all. I did some Christmas shopping in one of my favorite indy bookstores (that also carries a few copies of my children's book :) and it always feels so nice and cozy being in there.  I never felt that way in a big box bookstore. It was so soothing to quietly browse for unique gifts and funny titles. And it was good for me to do this, because I really don't visit bookstores as much as I'd like to.

Shooting For: While I do read some content on my e-reader devices and I love the convenience of it when I'm traveling, I find that I'm much more likely to finish a book if I have it in physical form. In my 40s and going forward, I want to make sure that I buy or check-out at least one good [real] book a month and finish it. I have a habit of starting books and not finishing them because I get distracted by another book and forget to go back. And if I start visiting my favorite bookshops every month, I think I'll have a hard time NOT following through on this one.

I'm pretty wiped out from a sleepless night and a long, long day. 

Goodnight. ~k