DAY 4+

Courage is a muscle that can only be strengthened by doing something that is scary. 

That was my mantra today as I woke up knowing I was going to be hurling my body through the sky strapped to a glorified kite. I had a feeling that I would love soaring like an eagle, but the thought of leaping off a cliff 1300 feet in the air was pretty scary. The entire morning, I had anxious butterflies as I tried to get a few important things done before my 11am reservation to fly.

When I showed up, there was one other woman who was also hang gliding for the first time. She was accompanied by a woman who was a 20+ year veteran of hang gliding. In fact, she had moved to this area 20 years ago specifically because the hang gliding was so great here. She gave me a ride to the take-off and landing area, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today was a perfect day to fly. The sun was out, no rain, a few scattered clouds and low wind. It was a little colder than it's been all week, but I dressed warmly enough. After I checked in, I found out that they don't usually launch a tandem hang glider from the ramp on top of the mountain, due to the varying wind direction. Instead, I would travel to the landing strip at the bottom of the mountain, where we would be towed by a small plane up to 2000 ft. Once high enough, the plane would disconnect and we'd hang glide back down. That discovery immediately put me at ease. It's far less scary to start on the ground and fly up than it is to take that leap of faith off the mountain. So perhaps today was just a general warm-up for my courage muscle.

By noon local time, I was strapping into my harness and learning my way around the hang-glider. At this stage, all I really needed to know was how to hang on. And even that wasn't so crucial as I was strapped in to both the hang glider itself and the pilot. It felt like most of what he was telling me was just to put me at ease. And before I knew it, we were taking off and heading straight up into the sky. While my body felt warm, my face was feeling the cold sting of the air as we ascended into the great blue. As we circled higher and higher I was feeling pretty at ease with the whole thing - not really worried at all. The moment we disconnected, we hung in the air for a few seconds, enjoying the quiet as the plane sped off ahead, floating on the air. It was peaceful. And then the pilot started diving and looping us around like we were on a paper airplane. The feeling of falling forward - he described it like being on a roller coaster - but it was without tracks, or rails, or an actual roller coaster and we were 2000 feet in the air! That was when I started to feel the rush of adrenaline, the fragility of my life, the fine line between living and dying.

My favorite experience was when we were just floating and gliding and looking down at the mountain, the farms and houses below. I think I even saw the house where we're staying this week. Everything was so beautiful. The woman who had given me a ride down to the landing strip was like a favorite character in a novel. She had the glow of a woman who lived a life of adventure, with wise and kind eyes. She talked about flights she'd taken for over an hour, staying up as long as possible, and finding herself in a town 60 miles away and needing to find a ride back home.

After my flight, I spent a quiet afternoon at the house and welcomed more family in to visit. We had a delicious early dinner at the Canyon Grill and after dinner drinks and chocolate back at the house. It's almost 10:30 and just about everyone is already in bed. After the day I've had, I have no need to go out and drink and shout Happy New Years at people. I've had the most perfect day to end a really fantastic year.

2015 was a year of uncertainty, change, pleasant surprises and making new commitments. I joined a church, traveled a lot and learned even more. I started new projects, read some great books and found more ways to slow down and connect more fully with my kids, my family and friends. As I look ahead to 2016, I know that I've already begun preparing myself in large part due to keeping this blog. And so, I have no list of resolutions beyond the thoughts I've published here over the last 3 and a half weeks. I go to sleep tonight to dream of the new heights that I can reach for now that I've flexed my courage muscle a little bit more today.

Thank you for reading and Happy New Year to you!
goodnight. ~k

DAY 5ish

Ruby Falls, gushing down from a towering height, declaring her presence beyond the dream-like memory I had of her from 36 or 37 years ago. My mother says that our family trip to Chattanooga happened when I was about 3 or 4, (about the age of my youngest now) While I didn't have many memories of that trip, walking through the caves and seeing Ruby Falls are images that were vividly burned in my mind. I remembered the colored lights, the railing surrounding the falls. The room around it seemed bigger then, but the waterfall itself, I remember being more like a trickle. I'm guessing it was a summer trip. But there was something about it that spoke to me, as a young girl. Spoke to a timeless observer in me that I wasn't even aware of yet.

This is why, today, carrying my 3 year old daughter into that place was something of a sacred act. I tolerated her incessant requests to be held largely because I was feeling a special connection to her and my little girl self at the same time. And in spite of my aching arms, I loved having her in my arms and watching her see this place for the first time. There was a moment or two when she smoothed the hair away from my face the way I do for her.

Throughout the tour, which was mostly an annoying wait in an elaborate line to keep people engaged or distracted enough to not realize they are actually waiting in line, I couldn't shake my eagerness to see it again. My mother-in-law had seen it once before as well, more than 55 years ago, when she was a young girl. My husband and father-in-law had never been. Looking at this picture now, I am so grateful for today's experience.

Ruby Falls was a force to be reckoned with today, in the middle of a warm and wet winter here. Her crashing locks filled the room with sound and mist and her presence unapologetically claimed the spotlight. And all of her strength and beauty dissolved into a small pool no deeper than the average height of a woman.

What if we women were to realize that we all have a hidden waterfall of power and strength and beauty within us? What if we could connect with that and share it with our daughters and our mothers?

Ruby Falls was named for a woman. Women Rock. ;-)

goodnight. ~k

DAY 6... or so

What a difference a day can make, when the sun shines away the puddles after living in a rain cloud. Had a semi-lazy morning, where work got done at a leisurely pace before heading out to explore a little of Chattanooga's finest... that I know of... so far.

We drove down the mountain looking at blue skies streaked with wispy white. Had a great lunch at Terminal BrewHouse where I discovered "West by God" which is the answer to anytime you've had trouble deciding between ordering the salad or the burger and fries. This puts the burger and fries on top of your salad, skips the bun, which you wanna do anyway, and can only be eaten with knife and fork. The beers were reported to be great, but I did not try one.

We followed that with a stop in The Hot Chocolatier (which should appear on Google Maps before I have to zoom all the way in to the last level. Naughty Google, editing my map finds by who pays most to be seen. I have no real knowledge that this is or isn't happening by the way. Just a thought I had and wondered about.) I treated the kids to a dessert, me to a chai latte, and all of us to various little chocolate treats to take home for later. I loved everything about this not-so-little shop of culinary love. Tremendous variety to be produced by a single location. Artisan quality, Artistry in every detail and just the right touch of Back Kitchen Voyeurism (BKV). I bought 4 truffles.

Tonight we tried the Tom Selleck of course. I have forgotten the full description, but it was chocolate with vanilla and whiskey, in honor of the simultaneous whiskey run that was happening next door. While I don't usually choose milk chocolate, this mostly milk, smooth and creamy truffle delivered expertly mingled accent flavors of whiskey and vanilla... and I think just a hint of leather, all topped with a dark chocolate zigzag interpretation of a mustache and yeah, dead ringer for a "Tom Selleck Kiss." (Hershey's or French, you decide) Can you tell I like this place?

Second thing absolutely worth mentioning, aside from the fact that everything we tried was top notch, is the milk chocolate blueberries. Again, I never pick milk, my older child picked these and I do love blueberry, but these were knock-it-out-of-the-park, never-had-anything-quite-like-it ever chocolate fantasy balls. I won't even attempt to describe them because I need to... well, I think it's possible that when a food is just too intensely pleasurable, it becomes impossible to evaluate anything tangible about the experience because all senses are in hyperdrive, all pleasure centers have been tripped. Milk.Chocolate.Blueberries. If you like blueberries, get them.

I'm spending a lot of time talking about chocolate and lunch outing because the biggest things that happened for me today came in visions during my very powerful meditation tonight. I saw a vision of myself doing a project in the future and it was one of those things that, when it happens, you look at your past, weaving and meandering through your youth, and realize that it all suddenly adds up to something unique that you alone can best create. It was a big vision. And one that needs further gestation before a public announcement would be appropriate.

Tonight I am very inspired to start becoming more focused on giving. Finding new and better and more fun ways to give. And what if the ways in which we give, over a lifetime, are the only real things in life? What if each of us began to see our own life as a gift to the world? Not that we might be worshipped; but so that we can be of service.

goodnight. ~k

DAY "7"

Here's my picture worth a thousand words of our view from the deck. I snapped this shot early this morning before the rain started up again. Much of the day, we couldn't see more than 10 feet away being inside the clouds. The rain was soft and peaceful, though.

I did a visualization meditation first thing this morning before I got out of bed, which is nice when I can't sleep but still feel too tired to get up. Then I got to spend a couple of hours working on year-end book-keeping, which is NOT EVER fun, but way better to do it in a beautiful place while on vacation than to do it at home in our office. And there's my Gratitude for the day: The miracle of modern tech that allows us to do so many kinds of work effectively from anywhere. I've gotten to travel a lot this year, and being able to keep up with a few of my jobs while on the road has been key.

Letting Go: I booked my reservation to do a tandem hang glide for this Thursday at 11am. As much as I've been wanting this, the second it became real, I got a little nervous. And then I hear from a friend tonight that someone he knew said that hang gliding was scarier than skydiving, having done both. And, with a bit of ill-advised research, I learn that statistically, sky-diving is actually safer than hang gliding. Go figure! But, to me, if I can let go of that fear-mind-chatter, I see more beauty and grace and joy in watching someone hang glide than I do watching a skydive. I saw a huge hawk circling this morning and felt what must have inspired the first hang gliders. The hawk was so beautiful, peaceful and graceful, gliding through the air like an ice skater on the ice. This week, beauty will have to trump logic, adventure will usurp caution and I will soar like a hawk from this mountain top.

Shooting for: In my 40s, I will take a hot air balloon ride. Another beautiful, sky-based activity I've always wanted to do. Surely, at some point in the next 10 years, I can find a way to make that happen. Not sure why these things are coming up for me now, but they all make me smile.

***very much looking forward to my restful night's sleep in this deliciously cozy bed***

goodnight. ~k

DAY "8"

Well, I didn't take any pictures today, but I took in a ton of natural beauty. Sorry, you'll just have to take my word for it. And I don't think I'll even have a thousand of them to describe it. We woke before the sun came up, because that's when the kids started chirping. And we enjoyed a lazy morning of Mary Poppins and Legos and dolls and cereal and yogurt. Then, we drove to Signal Mountain, about 45 min NW, for brunch with my step sister and her family. We got to hike for about an hour through the woods - my phone said it was 80 degrees - by a gorgeously full, rushing river at times and through thick, sticky mud at others. We left the younger child with grandparents and took the almost 7 year old, who did amazingly well for a first serious trek (about 75 min and 5 miles, up and down and through thick brush at times) That counted as my workout for the day and I got to catch up with my step sister along the way, which was super.

We also discovered an amazing restaurant for dinner that was just down the road from our house. It was such a treat to go out and have amazing food and the kids were remarkably well-behaved, all things considered. There were two bummers today: one was feeling queazy every time I was in the car because I was probably riding in a car for close to 2 hours all together today. Those mountain switchbacks often get to me unless I'm the one driving. The other was finding out that my brother's back pain flaring up recently means that we won't get to see him and his family on this trip. I really hope he recovers soon.

Today, I did an okay job of letting go of the sugar again. Not perfect, but significantly better. Just a few bites of chocolate over the course of the day. Otherwise, I made tea or had an apple to divert my cravings.

My meditation today was a guided meditation that focuses on abundance and on inviting more abundance into your life. This was the second time I tried this, and I found that I zoned out (or fell asleep) right around the same place. I've been struggling with visioning more abundance for myself because I feel so incredibly, abundantly blessed already. While the abundance hasn't come to me in the ways that I had hoped or thought it would, it has come to me all the same. And so, all I can think of is gratitude for what I already have: an great home in a nice neighborhood with a good school and kind neighbors. A caring and supportive husband and two healthy kids. We all have our needs met and hoping for more seems excessive. The only way I can try to envision more for myself is in imagining being able to give more to others and to have a greater impact in the world.

I've known that I want to help people since I was very little. At first I wanted to be a nurse. Then I was advised against it... by a real nurse. I've since learned that are so many ways to help people - through story telling or through healing or through listening. A couple of weeks ago, I hear Elizabeth Gilbert say in an interview that people don't want to be helped. That I should focus instead on doing what makes me happy. On creating what makes me happy. Well, helping people makes me happy. Does that make me annoying, or a person to be tolerated? Does that mean that I'm out of touch with what really makes me happy? I don't know. But I do know that when I was sick recently, I allowed others to help me. I needed it. And I accepted the help gladly. And those that helped me were able to feel good about helping. Historically, I'm not someone who asks for help very easily. But in recent years I've learned that accepting help, and making room to receive help from others, benefits both me and the person giving. That lots of people enjoy giving. And the only time that giving seems out of place is when there is no one willing to receive. In that way, to receive graciously becomes the gift. And, as I've become better at receiving help, I've also become better at knowing when and how to give it.

thank you for reading.
goodnight. ~k

DAY 9? Yeah, I'm calling it Nine.

We made it to our final destination for the week - Rising Fawn, GA on Lookout Mountain, just over the Tennessee line from Chattanooga. The house I reserved is beautiful, classy, and well appointed. The week ahead includes time with family and hopefully a little sight seeing in Chattanooga with the kids. And the really big thing that I've been wanting to do since planning this trip is Hang Gliding! Our house is minutes down the street from Hang Glide Park. The only hang-up, pun intended, is that flooding in the area is causing issues in the landing zone, so I'm not sure how many available flying days there will be this week while we're here. So, I'm putting this out there now - I really, really, REALLY want to do this on this trip. Please, dear Gods of Dare Devilry - - let me get a chance to fly this week and experience a life-long dream!

Meditation was extremely difficult tonight. I felt kind of bloated after dinner and being physically uncomfortable is actually a very big distraction. Surprise, surprise. I'm also pretty wiped out from the day. I managed to get in a quick workout at the hotel before we left this morning, which was so nice. First one in a week; it felt good to get back on track. Then we had just under 5 hours on the road, much of it in pounding rain, which was a little tense. After getting settled in, figuring out dinner and getting the kids to bed, I'm feeling about ready to collapse.

Letting Go: I am ready to let go of all these holiday sweets I've been enjoying. They just make me feel so crummy after I eat them. Time to get back to reality. I was feeling so much better when I was sugar-free!

Gratitude: I am so thankful that this house turned out to be every bit as wonderful as it seemed in the pictures... even more so. I've rented private homes for at least a dozen trips over the years, and while I think I'm pretty good at picking them, you just never really know what you're going to find until you get there. This is definitely one of my favorites ever. I'll post a picture of our view tomorrow. Hoping to catch either the sunrise or the sunset from our long deck along the peak of Lookout Mountain.

Shooting For: As I watch the hang-gliding videos, I see myself getting really into the hang gliding culture, maybe getting training to be a pilot. But I really can't commit to anything until I try it first. So, for now, I am shooting to try one new thing every year in my 40s. Maybe I already tend to do this, but I love the idea of making it a point to find at least one new unique experience like hang gliding, or surfing (which actually scares me more than hang gliding!) that I can try every year.

goodnight. ~k

DAY 10

Celebrate every milestone, is what I say. Well, I'm saying it now at least. Just 10 days left until my 40th birthday. And it's Christmas Day. My sweet friend who had that Dec 17th due date is still waiting, I believe. My mom can feel her pain. Or could, about 40 years ago.

We woke up to the giddy giggles of two kids excited to open presents. Even when I'm completely exhausted, that sound is even better than a great cup of coffee. My older one, who is about to be 7, has been doubting the whole Santa thing, but not completely sure either way. My husband and I have never pushed too hard on the belief for our kids, but we want them to enjoy it as long as it suits them. So, my response is always, Some people believe in Santa and some don't . I've never seen him, so I don't really know. What do you think? And even as my older one says that Santa's not real, I can hear the hesitation to fully commit to that. It's cute. Maybe there's a fear that the disbelief might equal fewer presents somehow. So, we set up the test: One freshly baked cookie and the milk. Older child quizzed me to make sure that no thieves or bad guys could break in and pretend to be Santa. All doors and windows locked? check. Only way in is through the chimney? check. No real person can fit through the chimney, which is why Santa uses magic? check.

So, this morning upon waking, the milk and cookie test was almost more pressing than the presents. Santa ate the cookie, leaving a few large crumbs behind on the plate and drank about half of the milk. He even wrote a little thank you note in cursive (which Mom and Dad never write in!) at the bottom of the note that we left which read: "Santa only!" - meaning that only Santa could eat the cookie. My older child was convinced, even a little relieved I think, to see that Santa had, in fact, come to our house and left our deserving children with a couple of special presents this year. I don't even remember when I stopped believing in Santa. I don't really remember believing in him. I had 2 older brothers who I'm pretty sure spoiled it for me early on. But, I don't feel like I missed out on anything and I don't think I felt like I did then. Christmas was still a ton of fun, even on the lean years. Because, getting a toy or two was enough when you got to spend all day in your jammies with the whole family and nobody had to go to work or school or be stressed out trying to get somewhere. Surely that's a really big part of the Christmas Magic.

Which is why I started to question my sanity just a little bit as we attempted to pack up and leave for a week long trip today. In some ways, it was a good scheme. Let the kids open all their gifts early and then husband and I pack and load the car while they play with all their new toys. Only, for me, leaving town tends to be a bit stressful, because I always feel like I'm forgetting something and we tend to bring so much stuff when we're driving because we can. Add to that, the occasional eruptions of sibling rivalry and I was having a hard time focusing on all the things I needed to do (water the plants, feed the fish and the cat, etc.) We got on the road about 12:45, only 45 min after our plan, and found the interstate gloriously deserted. We were out of Chicago in 15 minutes - unheard of any other day of the year. And a trip that usually takes us 7 hours, took about 5 and a half. A couple of hours of pack-it-up stress dissolved with road trip bliss. Today I got a glimpse of what life might be like without traffic. Or what it might be like after a zombie apocalypse without any zombies around. It was nice.

We made it to our hotel and pulled together a modest dinner out of the 4 bags + 1 cooler of food I packed (one more reason why it's so hard for me to pack for a trip, but so worth it when I can avoid the fast food trap) The kids were happily exhausted from an exciting day, and we've still got our whole trip ahead of us.

Gratitude: Today, I'm grateful for the gorgeous sunset I saw as we were driving south, the smooth ride down the highway, for my family staying safe amid the El Nino tornado season, for our chance to reconnect with them this week and for this moment right now, to savor today's journey.

With just... wait a minute. I just realized something hilarious. I started this blog on December 5th at Day 30, but since December has 31 days in it (of course!), I've been ahead by a day this whole time! If I wasn't the only one awake in a quiet hotel room, I would be laughing out loud right now. I'm actually really good at math, but it's the simple equations that trip me up. Good grief! Well, this is interesting. Rather than recount my days, or have two DAY 10s, I'm going to leave that last day as a BONUS day. And I'm sure that something extraordinary will happen on that day. No pressure, January 4th, but you gotta top all 30 days that precede you in some remarkable way. At least you've got 10 days to prepare. hmm. The idea of a bonus day is growing on me. I'll have to dream on that a bit.

goodnight. ~k

DAY 11

It's late on Christmas Eve. While I often have things left to get done at the last minute for Christmas, this year the combined efforts of preparing for the big day and getting the family out of town on the same day are a bit overwhelming. I'm trying not to let it overwhelm me, which often just feels more like denial than any kind of self control.

Somedays, like today, it's really hard to stick with my commitment of meditating and writing. I would much rather be in bed right now, resting up for an even bigger day tomorrow, but here I am writing away. As such, this will be a bare bones post.

I donated 6 bags of miscellaneous clothes (my own and the kids) plus some housewares. I filled these bags weeks ago and have had them in my garage and then in my car for the last 2 weeks. Finally, dropped them off and am looking forward to getting back on my decluttering project in January. I got the car washed for the trip, did some last minute shopping, and tons of wrapping. We delivered some gifts to friends and neighbors and then had a special dinner at home, just us and the kids. It was nice. It's been so busy lately, I haven't been cooking as much as I usually do, and I've really been missing homemade food. It was nice to make the time for that tonight. We watched a silly Christmas movie with the kids, talked about Santa, put out the Cookie and Milk (It was decided that Santa only needed one cookie, so that everyone else could have two) and then read Twas the Night Before Christmas to the kids before tucking them in. I've also been trying to pack suitcases amid all this today. I'm already looking forward to the idea of NOT traveling next Christmas!

Gratitude: I have really awesome neighbors. I never really appreciated the neighbor thing before. It's not like anyone picks a house to live in based on the neighbors, so it always just seems to be luck. But how lucky is it that I have awesome neighbors on both sides, and two doors down on both sides. That's four sets of neighbors, who are kind and watch out for my kids, who say hello on the sidewalk and send holiday greetings. They've taken care of our kids when we needed to leave town last minute, shoveled our snow - too many times to count, mowed our lawn - most of the time, let us know when the cat has gotten out, checked in when my husband is out of town, taken care of our cat and/or our fish, helped us fix broken lights or clogged up gutters... I could keep going, but, damn, I just feel so blessed to have these neighbors. If we ever decided to sell our house, I'd put "Great Neighbors" in the description.

That's all I got for tonight. Merry Christmas Eve!
goodnight. ~k

p.s. It's a full moon on Christmas this year. Another rare and special moon event this year, and since I started my gong. i love the moon.

DAY 12

Oh, irony. So, back in Day 23 or so, I announced that I was going to finally let go of my health coaching practice in order to make room for my writing and activism interests. The reality was that I hadn't had a coaching client in at least a year and I had stopped marketing my business well before that. So, me saying that I was officially letting it go was really me just owning up to what my actions have been saying for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when, four days later, I receive an email from a former client with a referral introduction. And this client was among my most successful at reaching her health goals, and she was referring someone who has wanted to connect with me for about a year. Faced with this, it wasn't so much that I didn't know how to say No, as that I couldn't think of why I should say No.

So, here I am, a retired health coach of 11 days with a brand new coaching client! Life is pretty funny, isn't it? What exactly did I want to let go of? The struggle to find new clients? The awkwardness of promoting myself or selling my services? The coaching part, I've always really loved. I had considered becoming a coach for another company, but I didn't think I'd enjoy having to follow someone else's rules after I've developed my own style of coaching.

I was recently invited to participate in a project that was exploring, among other things, the difference between an entrepreneur and a freelancer. This really struck a chord with me. When reading interviews with people on their perceptions of these two titles, I started to think about which I could more identify with. It wasn't really something I had thought about before. If being an entrepreneur is about building something, a product or service or company, that may take on a life of it's own, and possibly build a team of players, whether employees or other contractors, then a freelancer is more like an artisan or expert for hire. If an entrepreneur is building a monument or a skyscraper, then a freelancer is putting up tents as she travels from place to place. And when I consider the two identities, there is no hesitation in my heart when I choose freelancer over entrepreneur. Everytime.

In some of my coach training over the years, I had come to believe that I needed to be more like an entrepreneur in order to be a successful coach; and as much as I got it intellectually, I just never felt it. And the more I began to work as a writer, the freer I felt. When I did this project, I figured that a big reason I was drawn to writing over coaching, was because I was more of a freelancer than an entrepreneur. But, as I took on a new coaching client today, I still felt free. In fact, I felt more confident today as a coach than I have in a long time.  Maybe being a freelance whatever I am means that I can write, coach, advocate or create in any way that suits the task at hand. Even as I write that sentence and imagine it as reality, it seems almost too dreamy. The other half of my brain jumps in and says, Yes, but how do you market that? What do you even call that? You can't put that on a business card. Or even a website. It sounds more like an SNL sketch of the next WooWoo Guru! Yes, I hear that voice, too.

And so I sit here, in my lovely land of in-betweens and opposites, wishing and washing, flipping and flopping, and trying to ride them as if they were all parts of the same horse. Perhaps it all is just one horse. And one very wild ride.

Letting Go: this one seems pretty natural tonight... I am reminding myself to let go of the need to know. I love to plan, and I'll keep dreaming and making plans forever. But even as I shoot for the starts, I want to remember to let go of the outcomes and enjoy the ride.

Gratitude: I am grateful for laughter! I hear my husband goofing off with the kids right now and I am so filled up by the sound of their giggles and laughter. I'm thankful that I have so many friends that can make me laugh, for all the great writers and performers that share their gifts of humor with the world. It truly is the best medicine!

Shooting for: ... I'll come back to this one another day :-)

Thinking of: the song, "You Look Like Rain" by Morphine.

goodnight. ~k

DAY 13

It should be noted that 99% of the time, when I finally sit down to write these posts, I have no idea what I'm going to be writing about. Hopefully, that, in some way, excuses anything I may write that could be offensive or just dumb. I try not to make this just a recounting of my daily events, but something at least a little deeper. But, sometimes, the depth just isn't there.

This might be similar to how I've come to view my meditation practice. Back when I really struggled to make meditation a consistent habit, I was always focusing on how bad I was at it. If the whole point is to let the thoughts pass by your consciousness like clouds and not get pulled into them, or even get attached to them, then I was failing at meditating most of the time I was sitting there.

Then, somewhere along the way, I got the idea that it didn't really matter. Of course, that's what I'm shooting for, but getting frustrated at failing was even worse than failing itself. I realized that if I wanted a regular meditation practice, I had to become OK with the idea that I didn't need to be good at it. Or even mediocre at it. I could be horrible at it, as long as I committed to sitting there everyday for a set period of time.

While I have, over the years, had some glorious sessions where I was able to completely disconnect from thought and have incredible spiritual experiences, most of my meditations involve me spinning in my own silly thought patterns for about 18 and a half minutes, before I reach some level of peacefulness and calm for about a minute and a half, and then I'm done. That was how it went tonight. I haven't figured out the formula yet; like if there's some kind of day that I can have that will lead me to a better practice, or a time of day, though it might be morning if I could get myself out of bed before the kids wake up. But, it really seems, at this point, to be kind of random to me.

This also reminds me of something I read about what it takes to be a great artist. The frustration in the beginning is knowing what great art is and not being able to produce it. The mastery comes from allowing yourself to make bad art consistently and for long enough that you eventually get good at it. Whether or not any artist ever reaches the height of their vision may be one of the great mysteries. My guess is that, if we're lucky, the vision continues to grow with the talent, always staying just one or two steps out of reach. Because how boring would life be if we had nothing to work towards?

Having come through this stomach virus thing with the whole family, I was able to venture out a bit (after 2 back-to-back morning movies with the kids) and get a bit of last minute shopping done and pictures of the kids with Santa. It felt a bit like chipping a tiny piece of ice off of an iceberg, but I'll take it. It was nice to have a fun day with the kids and enjoy their anticipation of Christmas.

Tonight is all about what I'm shooting for: I like revisiting that bit on creativity. It was by Ira Glass and I watched the video of it in my writing class last fall.  In that spirit, I want to recommit to my writing goals. But this time, I'm shooting to just keep writing. Everyday. Every week. That's the only way I can even approach mastery. And mastery is what I'm shooting for. Maybe not in my 40s or even my 50s or 60s, but in my lifetime. I'm willing to be a bad writer until I get there.

Thanks to anyone who's willing to keep reading until then!

goodnight. ~k

DAY 14

It turns out that what my little one had on Saturday was a 24-hour stomach bug that went around the daycare classroom, and hit several of the kids over the weekend. And, lucky me, once dear one was feeling better, it hit me last night. I was hesitant to believe that I had gotten a bug, because yesterday, I had eaten a lot of foods that I don't eat anymore, like wheat, dairy and lots of sugar. While my tolerance has improved for gluten and dairy slightly, I certainly know that I can't handle large amounts of the stuff in one day. And I had topped it all with a glass of red wine. So, as I was getting sick in the night, I was kicking myself for eating so much crap. I was happy to be getting it out of my body, in a way.

But usually, when I get something like this, I'm able to bounce back fairly quickly. Not so today. I was unable to keep anything down, including water, for most of the day. I felt so lucky that my husband didn't have to go to work and was able to take care of everything with the kids while I stayed in bed until almost 2. I couldn't believe how wiped out I felt. When I heard about so many kids getting the same thing, I was pretty sure that's what I had also.

I was finally getting back on my feet, able to walk around and tried a few bites of soup and an apple, when my older child started complaining of not feeling well and having no appetite. By 7, I'm getting a replay of what I went through on Saturday with my younger one. And husband started feeling woozy around the same time.

My body still feels weak. I had so many things I had planned to do today that didn't happen.  I cannot imagine how I'll be ready to leave town with the family for a week in just 4 days. But really, I don't even have the energy to worry about any of that. I'm just hoping we can all make it through tonight.

So tonight, because it's all I got, I'll just focus on my Gratitude. I am so incredibly thankful that I was able to really rest today and recover. I grateful that my husband was able to take care of everything else while I did. And I'm grateful that I felt well enough to take care of my older child as soon as that became necessary tonight. I'm grateful that we're not suffering from anything worse in our family right now. Stomach bugs suck, for sure, but I'm so grateful that our family is mostly healthy from day-to-day. I am especially thankful for our bodies' ability to heal themselves so miraculously.

And, I'm out. Goodnight. ~k

DAY 15

HALF WAY! So what am I really learning here? That's it's crazy busy and difficult to get much done during the holidays? Already knew that. That the weeks leading up to my birthday feel like a bum's rush from about December 15th until the morning of my day? Somehow I manage to block it every year, but I already knew this, too.

The energy around the holidays often makes me glaze over or go a little cuckoo, like the toddler that's been overstimulated from staying too long at a loud party. And it's like that for 2 or 3 weeks until I wake up on my birthday. And I know I'm not the only one. And then I feel bad for those in my life who feel guilty for forgetting my birthday because it's really not their fault my birthday falls during the hazy days. Actually, I wonder what my first child's experience will continue to be having a birthday on Jan 2nd. In some ways, it seems slightly better to be closer on the heels of the party season, so you can still catch the tail wind of the celebratory spirit. By the fifth, everyone is pretty well tapped out.

Of course, I say all this with a wink and a smile because, as I've mentioned, I have some pretty awesome friends and family who do manage to rally and help me celebrate when I put out the call. And this year will be no exception. I have some fantastic events and gatherings planned over the next month. A week in Lookout Mountain/ Chattanooga where I'll get to see all of my immediate family and in-laws and also go hang-gliding for the first time! A girls weekend in Estes Park, CO!  A week in Mexico with husband and six friends! There have been many times when I just feel like I'm being too indulgent and making too big of a deal about my birthday. But using my 40th as an excuse to spend more time with these awesome people, go to these beautiful places, and experience some pretty big dreams... I guess I really don't have a problem with that.

Letting Go: In my 40s, I will let go of chocolate.                          
I'm just kidding. Not. Ever. Letting Go of Chocolate. Unless I'm dropping it into a recipe or a cup of coffee. I will never, ever, newver, nerver give up Chocolate. No way. No how. Sorry. No can do. I have taken "breaks" from Chocolate, but to imagine a world without chocolate is... like what so many people in this world live every day.
I heard a really inspiring couple this weekend talking about how they fill bags with snacks and juice boxes and socks, and keep them in the car to hand out to the homeless anytime they encounter someone asking for money. What if I kept a box of chocolates to give to the homeless. Is that weird or would it be awesome? I always think about giving the poor and homeless truly healthy and nourishing food, but what if I thought of giving foods that are among the most pleasurable to eat? Decadent. Like steak. Or lobster. Or creme brulee. Or... Chocolate.
So.  I'm not going to "let go" of chocolate, as in give it up and never eat it again. But maybe I'll start "letting go" of some of my chocolate stash and sharing it with those who just might be experiencing it for the first time.

Gratitude: Tonight I am grateful for Bill Murray and his Christmas special on Netflix. What a big heap of Christmas lovin' that was. I wasn't exactly sure what I was watching for the first 10 minutes. I hadn't read any of the hype surrounding this and was watching with no expectations other than what I might imagine a Bill Murray Christmas Special would be. But whatever I might have imagined, this was not it. It was so much better than anything I could have imagined. I thank the Gods that I got to see that show tonight.

Shooting For: There was a lot of singing in the Bill Murray Christmas show, and not all of it was stellar, but every note that was sung was filled with heart. It made me want to be less shy in sharing my own voice. I love to sing, but I am not, and never have been, a strong singer. Watching this tonight made me think, Anybody should be allowed to sing if they want to... Just as long as they're already famous. So, once I'm famous, sometime in my 40s, I'm gonna sing something in public. Until then, I may sing in front of a few more friends than I did in my 30s.

goodnight. ~k

DAY 16

Today took everything I had. It started off well enough, when the morning came way too soon but I managed to get to my 8am yoga class. For the first time in several weeks, my back did not feel like an 80 year-old's and my body felt so free being able to move where and how I wanted it to. It was so lovely. I have a theory on what has helped this shift for me, but I'm still testing it for now.

After yoga, I was able to reconnect with a great friend from college that I hadn't seen in at least 10 years. It was lovely to catch up while supporting her charity to provide warm socks to Chicago's homeless and those without heat in their homes. I got home just in time to host a playdate with my kids plus one. They played well together, we did a little lunch and tried to ease into a late nap time just after our guests left. Unfortunately, around 3:30, my 3yo woke up sick and I spent the remaining 4 hours doing lots of laundry, bathing and running back and forth to the bathroom. Poor thing. Of course, it's moments like this when I know my kids will need me for a long time, in times like this.

Letting Go: Today, I had to let go of everything when my child got sick, as a parent does. I let go of everything other than my child, whom I sat with and held in my lap, as a parent does. I don't feel the need to let go of anything else tonight, other than my tendency to stay up too late.

Gratitude: Today I am grateful for yoga classes that make me feel more vibrant, that connect me to my strength, flexibility and stillness, and remind me that I can experience these things not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually, too. And these served me well when I needed to be strong, flexible and still with my child.

Shooting For: In my 40s, I want to learn to thrive on less sleep. There's got to be a way to do it in a healthy way. Not major sleep deprivation, but if I could feel great on 6.5 hours of sleep, that would be awesome. Aren't there some kinds of monks that do this? I can't remember. Because I'm operating on about 7 hours of sleep and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that it doesn't feel like enough. But today was kinda tough.

Goodnight. ~k

DAY 17

Today feels like a classic. So many things that might be cliche, those touchstone moments of parenthood and holidays meshing together, that might make some want to run and hide while others see it as the stuff of life. Kids having holiday parties and shows at school. Me, helping out at the school and addressing and mailing my Christmas cards. My husband and son going to see the opening night of Star Wars while I stay home with daughter and have 'girls' movie night with homemade popcorn. (I will also be seeing Star Wars soon, but I wasn't into the opening night hubbub) Finding a light, soft & fluffy snowfall outside just after dark. Squeaking in a soothing meditation and a cup of hot tea after the kids are in bed. Somehow, I am utterly exhausted.

Letting Go: I am refocusing and cycling back to my DAY 30 letting go, which is an ongoing process of letting go of clutter. I want to bring it back into focus for this weekend, specifically, to finish going through my clothes. The lightness of reducing excess really does feel good enough to want to keep going, but I've got to identify the time for it.

Gratitude: I have gotten to travel a lot in my lifetime and, in particular, this year. Not all extravagant trips, some just long weekends to drive home and see family. And I've still got more on the horizon. Traveling is among my favorite things in life, and I've really been milking this whole turning 40 thing, just about all year, in order to justify more whimsical trips. I highly recommend it. But I am exceedingly grateful that I've had the means and the freedom and the amazing helpers for the kids, to make these trips possible.

Shooting For: I've got this little short video that I want to produce... it's in the baby stages; concept drafted and about to bloom into collaboration. It's something I'm shooting for in the first few months of being 40. It will be funny. It will be cutting in it's truth. And, I hope, it will have an impact.

It feels like my need for sleep is battling a lot these days with my desire to soak up every second of every day. My days feel full to bursting. My nights feel thick but quick.
(and that might explain why I come up with phrases like that)

goodnight. ~k

DAY 18

I remember learning early on from my Mom that my due date was actually December 17th, which means that I was born just shy of 3 weeks late. Today, some say that, back then, they weren't as accurate at determining due dates, and ultrasounds were only performed when there was a problem or concern, so it's likely that my assigned due date was off. But even with a margin of error, it is clear that I was definitely on the longer side of a typical gestation, and to prove it, I outweighed all three of my brothers at birth. 

It was interesting growing up with this knowledge about myself. Knowing that I might have had a different birth month AND year. That I could have been a Sagittarius instead of a Capricorn. And knowing that I was so late, that loved ones, like my grandmother, that had traveled to visit in anticipation for my arrival, had to give up and return home before I decided to show my face. Back in the days when moms weren't so pressured and fear-mongered into interventions and C-sections, I was allowed to choose my own birth day, and December 17th wasn't it. I've often wondered what I was waiting for. Or if it was just way to cozy in there to come out in the dead of winter.

I also grew up with this thing about being late. I was usually late. For just about everything. And I could always say, "Well, I was born late. What do you expect?" I've worked hard to be a bit more reliable and develop discipline around being punctual for the important things, but without a bit of effort, it's all too easy for me to fall back into my late pattern. As I've worked with this tendency in myself, I've sometimes wondered if it's a clue to my unique spiritual preset or if it came from growing up knowing that I was "born late." My spiritual preset being that I love to linger in the present moment and I'm very slow to take action. I imagine my unborn self debating on whether or not I was ready to be born on a daily basis, and then deciding that I wasn't ready to decide and that I need to sleep on it. On and on, for 18 days. Or, if I always knew that I was going to be ready to emerge on January 5th and I was snickering at all the fools outside who thought they could guess my next move.

As I write this, I have one friend who is pregnant with a girl whose due date is today. (the day is not quite over!) And I have another couple of friends who are adopting a girl whose first due date was January 5th, and it was corrected to January 15th. I'm sending lots of love and patient breaths to the moms and dads. I promise, no matter what day she chooses, she'll be worth the wait!

Letting Go: I became a mom in my 30s and I was told that I seemed to take my role as a mom very seriously; that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a perfect mom. I really don't think I'm alone in this. I see a culture that is still stuck on the Super Mom mentality and it's very hard for an individual mom to break free of it. I felt it tonight, perhaps more clearly than I ever have before, some ways that I cater to my children more than necessary. In fact, I had the thought that, not just am I wearing myself out, but I'm teaching my children to remain dependent upon me rather than to become more and more independent. I see this as a sliding scale, where I do manage to encourage independence in some areas, but others, for some reason, I've been trying to retain control. Tonight, I realized that it's time for me to let go of a little bit more of my "supermomitis" and start allowing myself to be a good ole, "good enough mom." And I know that my kids are ready for this growth as well. (At least they better be!) This is exciting to think about, in terms of regaining some of my own energy, but scary as I realize that they are needing me less and less each day. 

Gratitude: Today I am grateful that independent bookstores were NOT wiped out by Amazon after all. I did some Christmas shopping in one of my favorite indy bookstores (that also carries a few copies of my children's book :) and it always feels so nice and cozy being in there.  I never felt that way in a big box bookstore. It was so soothing to quietly browse for unique gifts and funny titles. And it was good for me to do this, because I really don't visit bookstores as much as I'd like to.

Shooting For: While I do read some content on my e-reader devices and I love the convenience of it when I'm traveling, I find that I'm much more likely to finish a book if I have it in physical form. In my 40s and going forward, I want to make sure that I buy or check-out at least one good [real] book a month and finish it. I have a habit of starting books and not finishing them because I get distracted by another book and forget to go back. And if I start visiting my favorite bookshops every month, I think I'll have a hard time NOT following through on this one.

I'm pretty wiped out from a sleepless night and a long, long day. 

Goodnight. ~k 

DAY 19

Today was another one of those days that did not exactly go according to plan and it demanded a bit of patience and flexibility of me.  As I went from point A to point B through my day, there were steps along the way, where breakdowns happened and I had to deal with it before anything else could happen. No side-stepping or ignoring was possible.  Like I'm looking for solid rocks to step on to avoid falling into the hot lava that surrounds them.  It was one of those days when the kids seem to tag-team with dramatic meltdowns that keep my husband and I in the mode of constantly putting out fires and talking them down off ledges and even turning on each other in our frustration.

But after all that, I feel like I'm ending the day on a good note, having a chance to reflect on the days events with a good wise friend and having a meditation tonight that was deliciously calm, and spacious and filled with light. It was the kind of meditation that doesn't happen often, but it's always what I'm hoping for. It's interesting that on such a tumultuous day, my thoughts would actually be more willing to fall away and allow me to find such long spells of inner peace. Maybe I earned it somehow today. Or maybe my ego just decided to take pity on me.

Letting Go: I'm really trying to let go of my need to be right. In my head, I keep hearing the quote, "Seek first to understand, rather than to be understood." There are a few areas in my life where I'm very set in the way that I see things. And when I hear an opposing opinion or statement, I am quick to dismiss it. To me, what I believe to be true seems obvious and logical and beyond reproach. But, deep down, I know that truth is more related to beauty. It is fluid and can appear in many different forms. I want to defend my truth with a softness that still allows other perspectives to cast a new color, lightness or shade to it. I want to be so confident in what I believe to be true that I can entertain the opposite perspective and find the common ground that unites them. The Ultimate Truth contains ALL truths. Those things that we perceive as false always have some essence of truth to them for someone. If we seek to understand that truth, we can find common ground and a place to grow within any relationship.

Gratitude: I am grateful for the ability to self-reflect. Whether it's with a therapist, friend, healer or my journal, being able to reflect on my life and what I observe in other lives is what makes me feel most human. It's become a life-line for me. Sometimes I wonder if it is our self-reflection of our daily experiences that communicates back to our spiritual selves what we came to physical form to discover. 

Shooting For: In my 40s, I will travel to some new countries and continents! I love travel. I've been privileged to get to visit Mexico, Jamaica, Canada, England, Scotland, France, the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany and the Czech Republic. But since having kids, I haven't crossed the Atlantic and I've never crossed the Pacific ocean. In addition to being such a fun adventure, I feel like my travels have helped me to grow in my perspective in so many wonderful ways. 

It's late. Thanks for reading. Goodnight. ~k

DAY 20

WHAT?!?!? Am I really one third of the way through this countdown? Time always seems to fly by from Thanksgiving to New Year's, but this feels almost like time hopping. As this realization came to me just now, I wondered if I should have started doing this earlier, though "Last 30 of My 30s" really works best for a title.

The fact is, I've been mediating and writing daily for 80 days now. I started a 100-Day countdown as a warm-up for this. And also because I wanted to do it anyway. I know I sound like a... I really don't know what I might sound like. But I know that this is not common behavior. I realize that. I got this idea from reading about a Taoist practice called a Gong, during which you typically set a daily goal or a few goals that you will do for 100 days without missing a day. If you miss a day, you start over, when you get back to it, at one. This is a gross over-simplification because I've never formally studied this spiritual practice... only took the basic idea of it and made my own thing.

The first time I tried one, last fall, I made it all the way to 100 days, meditating for 20 minutes a day, and writing (journal or creatively) for 20 minutes per day. I thought I would keep going after the 100, but when day 101 arrived, I enjoyed giving myself a break and some flexibility. I then went off and on, never finishing another 100-day streak before I began this one on September 27, 2015.

Tonight, in honor of my 80th day on the Gong and my 10th on my Blog journey, I will not post my three things, but something I wrote on Day 1 of my Gong. Re-reading it just now, I was struck by how I was seeing the world on that day in the context of today. But I'll let you read for yourself, this excerpt from my personal journal.

DAY 21

A dear friend arrived for a long visit tonight and it instantly feels more like the holidays. Reconnecting with loved ones that live far away is such a treat. Getting to watch the kids excited to have a spend-the-night visitor, and then sipping wine and catching up has this cozy feeling to it. Never mind the fact that it's 60 degrees in December in Chicago. Never mind that. We won't talk about that part.

Today was a huge clean up and clean out day. I got rid of 6 bags of clothes and miscellaneous stuff, that I had been contributing to for a few weeks now, to be fair. But I finally finished sorting and got them out of the house. And the house does feel lighter. So, I took another step toward letting go of some clutter.

I've also been thinking that I'll need to construct some sort of grid or table to keep track of all the things I'm setting out to do in these 30 days so I don't forget them all.  And still, I just might run out of things to write about, in which case, I apologize now for any trivial chatter I might resort to to fill a post.

OK. I'm going to get down to it.

Letting Go: I'm feeling really stuck on this one tonight. I've been sitting here working on one idea, but it just doesn't feel right, so I just deleted it all. And now you'll never know what it was, ha, ha! I guess my threat from earlier is coming to pass. I've already jumped ahead and written my Gratitude. That one's easy. I'll do my "Shooting For," and then come back... OK. Love horses. I'm back. Letting Go... Is it possible to let go of shyness? I've been shy my whole life, although I've practiced certain situations where I can be less so. But I am aware that when I'm feeling shy, and I have certain triggers around it, I think it can come across as though I'm cold or uninterested in people. Having one shy child and one outgoing one, I get to face this from a whole new perspective. Even as I 'get' the emotions that trigger shyness, I know it's incredibly important to learn how to greet people when they enter a room or when you see someone you know in an unlikely place. I want to help my shy child to feel more confident navigating these social settings. And as I've come a long way, I still sometimes slip back into that pattern. So, whether or not it's actually possible, I want to let go of my tendency to shy away from harmless social interaction. I don't have to be loud, but I don't have to hide either. 

Gratitude: Today, I am grateful for driving at night. I drove to pick up my friend from the airport and it was late enough that the traffic didn't suck. I've always loved how my city looks at night when I'm driving through it. Even the area leading up to the airport looked pretty with all the holiday lights up. I especially love driving downtown at night, which I got to do a couple of nights ago. Seeing that skyline lit up is often enough to make me forgive the arctic tundras that sometimes befall us here. 

Shooting for: In my 40s I will ride a horse again. Don't get me wrong, I was never trained to ride horses in any formal way, although my family did have a couple of horses when I was very young, living on a small farm. I rode on them only occasionally and we no longer had them by the time I was old enough to ride on my own. And in my 20s, I rode a horse on the beach in Wales which was lovely, but a bit more reserved than I would have wanted. And I had to wear a really ugly helmet. I think it would be nice to ride a horse again, casually on a trail through the woods, or run through a field. Maybe I'll even get to do it more than once in the next 10 years.

Can't believe I finished this post! Goodnight. ~k

DAY 22

After reading yesterday's post, I just need to clarify two things:

1) I am fully cognizant that it is the most difficult thing to do in the entirety of our existence to grant unconditional forgiveness and love to every person, no matter what they do. Just today, I was reading a horrible story about rape and I remembered what I had written. "But that can't apply to rapists," I thought. "But it has to apply to everything," I hear myself reasoning.

Even though I know that granting true forgiveness and love in such a situation would allow me to experience the greatest goodness of being human, I don't know if I would be able to escape the rage in my heart. I have forgiven so many things in my lifetime. I found that once I began practicing forgiveness intentionally, I made the connection to how much better I felt once I had released the burden of anger or resentment. And this made it easier and easier to forgive. But I've never had to forgive something like this.  To know what action is the higher path is one thing. To be able to follow it, is quite another.

2) Creating a structure or a system that works to correct hurtful behavior in our society, like, maybe a "corrections facility" that actually strives to "correct" bad behavior rather than punish, release, repeat the same cycle. To correct behavior by not only modeling better behavior, but also providing the encouragement and the means to begin to behave better. Sometimes people have no choice but to steal to eat. Why are these people treated worse than those who steal when they already have millions or trillions to themselves? Much like the way we work to correct bad behavior in children, we create consequences for bad behavior. But when these consequences are presented in a spirit of forgiveness and love - I know this might sound insane - perhaps this would actually allow more people to change and grow and become caring members of a community rather than repeat offenders. I say this to clarify that forgiveness and love do not cancel the need for accountability and reparations on the part of attackers. And the question is, how do we do this? I can't say that I have a good answer, just wild ideas.

OK. Moving on! I make no claims of anything, including coherence on the preceding rant. It was just what happened to be on my mind tonight when I sat down to write.

Letting Go: I want to let go of my tendency to put my own feelings on hold when I am afraid I might hurt or inconvenience someone else. This tendency has been lessening over the years, but there's a balance of graciousness and knowing my own worth that I want to start to live in my daily life, moment by moment. I think that in order to do this, letting go of my habit of hiding my needs and wants is a big step. I love the words, "letting go" especially because it describes the feeling when no more effort is needed to move forward, but rather a relaxing of our grip so that gravity or momentum can take away that which we no longer need.

Gratitude: Today I am grateful for my parents. They aren't perfect, but they are perfect for me. And that's all that matters. The ways that they are the same are my strengths. The ways in which they are different from each other give me broader perspective and awareness and compassion.

Shooting for: In my 40s, I am shooting for more house plants!! I'm not joking. As I was entering my 30s, I was still living under the shadow of the fact that I was a serial plant-killer. It was bad. I even managed to kill those plants that are impossible to kill. I used to joke that I had Black Thumbs, and I have big thumbs. So that must have sent most plants shrinking in their baskets anytime I had the foolish desire to try again. But, over the last decade, I've managed to keep just over a handful of plants alive and growing for more than a few years. I've always loved being in spaces with plants and I'm ready to expand my indoor holdings. And I'm wanting to work towards an indoor garden for the Winter and early Spring months, so I'll be adding some edible plants in the mix as well. I remember my mom making the rounds on watering days at my house growing up. It was a big job, but our home was filled with green. I want to feel the energy and breathe the air that more plants will share with me and my family. If you have any favorite house plants or indoor edible plants, please feel free to post some suggestions in the comments.

thanks for reading. goodnight. ~k

DAY 23

I'm starting this post earlier in the day than usual because tonight, I'm going out with a friend to a painting class! It's one of those drink and paint places, and whether or not I paint what they are teaching, I really love getting a few hours to create something for no other reason than because I enjoy it. I used to paint at home a lot more often before I had kids. And I try to do arts and crafts projects with the kids a couple times a month, but it's not quite the same.

Today was mostly a lazy Saturday with the family at home. I didn't even make it to my yoga class, but I'm not really broken up about it. Out of the last 7 days, I've gone to the gym 5 times. That's plenty. I did manage a few things that seemed important to tackle and I took the kids to the park. There were at least 25 more productive things I could have picked to do today. But I didn't.

Since I've been meditating more consistently over the last couple of years, I'm finding it easier to relax on days like this and not feel bad about it. I'm very motivated on my goals, but I don't feel so rushed to get it all done "right this minute." It's easier than it used to be, for me to take a step back and take a breath as I also take in a bigger perspective. For a long time, I beat myself up for not doing enough, for not working harder, for not working faster.  And after hearing my husband say, maybe 187 times that I do more than enough, that I work very hard, and yet, perhaps, I could actually do things a little faster (ha, ha!), and that I should cut myself a break, I started to try to believe it. That has been a very gradual process for me, but it has a lot to do with realizing that I have more time than I think I do. And that Time is not a fixed asset, but a stretchy, bendy amorphous lens that is more controlled by our perception than by the clock. (but that's another story)

I've come to see 'constant busy-ness' as an addictive behavior that allows us to avoid really experiencing our emotions or our relationships with each other. I still have many days that feel busy, but I notice when I don't take the time to play with the kids because I'm in a hurry to make dinner. In those moments, I tell myself that it's totally OK and that I'll make up that important time with them soon. And then, I do so. While I certainly wish on many days that I had achieved more than I have so far in my life, I could never wish away the precious time I get watching my kids be kids.

Letting Go: This is a big one today. When I was 31, I decided that I wanted to be a health coach. I went to the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in NYC and became a certified Holistic Health Coach. I started my business about six months before getting pregnant. And for most of this decade, my coaching business has shared my focus with being a mom. But over the last few years, I've been noticing a shift in me that I just can't ignore. I believe so deeply in helping others to heal and gain greater wellness, but I have a growing sense that coaching is not the best way for me to do that. The more I have learned about the realities of our food and healthcare industries, the more I feel that the deck is stacked against us. And the less money people have, the harder it is for them to be truly well. While I thought of coaching this underserved population, the fact is, they wouldn't have the means to implement what it would take to help them feel better. And this is horribly wrong. Health is not a privilege for the elite, but a basic human right. Even as I've been migrating towards what's next with my writing and activism and my desire to start speaking at live events, I've been hesitant to officially say goodbye to my health coaching business. But today, I realize that I need to make room for my new work by letting go of the work that is no longer serving me. Today, I am letting go of my health coaching career.

Gratitude: I am really, really grateful for my friends. I have amazing friends. Both the ones that I get to see often and the ones that I rarely get to see because we're separated by either distance or timing. I've been thinking of some lately that I haven't gotten to see in a while and I recently got to reconnect with one of them for a nice long chat. My friends inspire me and support me. My friends are funny and loving and so very accepting. My mother started telling me on my first days of school that I should choose my friends wisely. I think I've done an excellent job with that and I'm so grateful that they chose me back! Thanks, y'all!

Shooting for: In my 40s, I will go camping at least once a year! Just this year, my husband and I started going camping again for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years. And before that, it was sporadic at best. We did one 'park & camp' with the kids in the mountains in Western North Carolina and it was... like a refreshing dip in the ocean for the whole family. A total cleanse from our usual urban life - and it was only for one night! More recently, husband and I did a 4 day/3 night backpacking trip through Eastern Kentucky, this time, without kids. I discovered how restorative and healing this time in nature and especially the time I spend completely unplugged from phone, computers, tablets and even a watch, were for me. This is more necessity than luxury and I want it for my kids as much or more than I want it for myself. Once a year is the minimum. We will do this. And maybe I'll start a blog about great campsites to visit with kids. I already know one outstanding one!

OK. It's late again, as I have finished up this post. But the good news is that now I can post a picture of the painting I made tonight. It was inspired by Kandinsky and one other painting that I saw in the room and liked. I don't think it's really finished, but I ran out of time. And who knows when I'll make the time to sit down and finish it? Maybe I'll surprise myself!
Goodnight. ~k

DAY 24

I somehow stumbled across a video posted by Anonymous today in which they warn Donald Trump that they are "coming for him." This was the first video of theirs that I had ever seen, although I've been hearing small bits and pieces about them in the news. I was immediately drawn in, and with the magic of the YouTube auto feed, one video viewing lead to several more. The use of the Guy Fawkes mask and the voice disguiser, combined with a lot of their messaging is creepy, other-worldly and I'm sure, that's it's intended affect. Of course, there's the credibility question first. Is this one guy in his mom's basement having a laugh, or is it this highly organized group of international hackers and revolutionaries, fighting the good fight? When I was only hearing about them in the abstract, I felt myself cheering. It is perfect that they targeted the KKK, ISIS, Fox "News" and Donald Trump! Those would certainly be my top picks, too. But, when I watched the actual videos, I noticed I had new feelings about what they are doing.

There's this almost romanticized sense of Justice in me that wants these bad guys to get what's coming to them and, certainly, for them to be stopped from their crimes of hate and fear mongering. But as I continued to listen to the Anonymous messaging, about how the "End is Near," basically, I felt the fear they were directing at the bad guys, as though it was also directed at me.

It suddenly struck me: How is anonymous any better than those they are targeting, if they are playing the same games of fear mongering, retribution and revenge. They say, "We do not forgive. We do not forget." And, as I take a step back from my own lust for Justice, I hear the voices of my spiritual heroes, Pema Chodron, Thich Nat Hahn, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Jesus, that remind me that we will never stop the cycle of violence with retaliation. We don't dissolve fear of one thing with fear of a different thing. We don't bring back our murdered loved ones with more murders. We don't end wars with more war. Only love can dissolve fear.

I know this in my heart even though my mind and my ego struggle terribly with this. I struggle with this because I've always felt called to stand up to injustice, to fight the forces that harm innocent lives. I really don't have an answer. When is it time to forgive and when is it time to fight back? So often, these difficult esoteric questions seem to have dichotomous answers. Is it possible to forgive and fight back at the same time? As I consider it now, I think of parenting. When our children push their boundaries, deliberately, we can forgive them even before we present the consequences for their actions in order to stop the behavior. And even if we must escalate those consequences, when we are connected to our love for them, they are always, already forgiven. But loving them and forgiving them doesn't mean that we allow them to disrespect themselves or others. Loving them means teaching and modeling ways of living and behaving that are better for everyone. Perhaps it's a ludicrous stretch to compare our sweet little angels to terrorists and greedy corporate CEOs and corrupt politicians. But every single one of "those bad guys" was someone's little angel once.
(little too cheesy for ya? So what! This country LOVES its cheese!)

Ultimately, I think that the approach of Anonymous to focus on cyber attacks and exposing harmful secrets is a great tactic and I hope that they keep doing it. But I do forgive, even though I don't forget. And history tells me that fear has never set anyone free... it has been their love and courage in the face of that fear.

Letting Go: I want to continue to let go of my need for justice as I seek to understand and love instead. I fully expect for this to be a life-long practice, that I may never fully embody. There have been a few great examples in this world of people who have, but far too few. Perhaps if more of us truly strived to emulate the behaviors of the spiritually enlightened, even and especially when it may seem crazy or ill-advised to do so, our world would shift in some remarkable ways.

Gratitude: I am very grateful for each and every one of the spiritual leaders who have lit a path for me towards those ultimate truths that liberate us from fear and tyranny. I am thankful that these teachings found me, many of them before I had children, so that I could pass these on to them from the beginning. I see this as the very best investment in the future that I could make.

Shooting For: In my 40s, I see myself giving talks, though I'm not sure exactly which topics will be my focus. I feel the need to share my voice in the global conversations on how we keep building towards better tomorrows... through our health and wellness, through our practice of peace and kindness, through our care for our precious resources and each other. And I really think I needed my prior 40 years experience of living to be ready to do this. So, good timing all around!

OK. It's super late and I'm super tired. Not even sure if this post will make any sense in the morning. Goodnight. ~k

"If you think that we have to go on fighting and dying, you are wrong." - Thich Nhat Hanh identifying the connection between environmental destruction, war, and human rights, at the first UN Environment Summit, in Stockholm, 1972.

DAY 25

Today was in large part a return to my core values. I thought a lot about some activism projects that I've been wanting to do for a while. And I can now start to see how I can get them going. I took a few extra minutes this morning to read to my 3 year old before taking her to daycare. I actually felt strong during my workout at the gym, which I hadn't really been feeling lately. I made great food for myself and the family and took a nice, long shower, which I rarely get to do. I was very productive, but I didn't feel like I was rushing. And one great highlight was taking one of my favorite meditation classes downtown. One reason that I love it so much is that it's never the same. Tonight was "Mash-Up" meditation, using a few different modalities to activate higher levels of consciousness and brain-states. I really geek out on this stuff, and we got to use essential oils to help. I learned that Lavender oil can help to slow down the alpha waves, which can help to quiet down the monkey mind chatter when you're trying to meditate. And during the meditation, and the focus of the class in general, was on bringing a dream we have into reality in the next year. And that reconnected me to the goal of my next book. I ended my day by watching episode 9 of Man in the High Castle with my husband and thoroughly savoring this masterful example of the craft of story telling. I've felt that watching this series is making me a better story teller. And that reading this book would make me a much better writer. It's on my list.

And so, I've reconnected with my core values, which make me who I am at age 39 in this world.

• Fighting for Social Justice
• Being Really Present with my Family
• Taking good care of myself
• Being purposeful with my time
• Exploring the mysteries that live in the space between science and spirituality
• Writing and telling stories

And today, 25 days from my 40th birthday, here are my 3 things.

Letting Go: Mom Guilt. I noticed tonight that I was almost late for this class that I really wanted to go to, because I was trying so hard to make dinner for my kids before I left. As I left, I noticed that I have this impulse to try and compensate for the fact that I'm leaving my family to do something that is completely for me. While I don't think I'm at all crippled by Mom Guilt, I just notice these little twinges from time to time. Before today, I thought I had a pretty good balance of taking care of my family and taking care of me, with just a little bit of mom guilt sprinkled in for good measure. But today, I'm wondering why I need to have ANY mom guilt at all. It's a waste of good energy. It's pointless and completely unhelpful to anyone.  A happy and fulfilled mom is the center piece to a happy and fulfilled family. The truth is, I have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Even a twinge. So, goodbye, Mom Guilt. May you enjoy your last 24 days in my life, because once I'm 40, I'll have none of you.

Gratitude: I'm so thankful for my husband who is such a wonderful dad. I came home tonight to find him laying in the middle of the bed with a kid on each side of him as he was reading their bedtime story. It was one of those moments that you want to remember forever but it would be ruined by whipping out a phone to take a picture of it, so you take a picture in your mind. I am especially grateful that my kids have a second parent who is present in their lives and who is different from me. And this isn't any kind of Mom Guilt, but recognizing the benefit of two (or more) perspectives in guiding children through the complexity of growing up.

Shooting For: I'll warn you that this one is almost completely materialistic: In my 40s, I want to own an electric car. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I do want to let go of being so dependent on my car by using public transit and a bike more, and that still stands. But since I still love to take road trips and still need to go grocery shopping for a family of 4 plus 2 pets, I LOVE the idea of having a fully electric, gas-and-oil-free automobile. A Tesla, to be specific. While I've never really wanted to spend my money on a luxury car, the Tesla does everything that I think ALL cars should do, and would do, if our oil industry lobby wasn't so hostile to this technological development. So, while it's a luxury car, I also see it as an important way to vote with my dollars. I just gotta find a way to earn and save about $80,000 over the next ten years. And that's where my book sales will come in. Or a winning lottery ticket. Anything is possible. 

Goodnight ~k

p.s. it's very encouraging to know that at least a few people are reading these. Thanks for reading <3

DAY 26

Today was... interesting. It was a reminder that being a mom means being flexible, and willing to change plans when your kids need you. Not much went according to plan today, but everything worked out in the end. The best part was right when we finished decorating the Christmas tree (that we put up last night) and the kids started to sing and dance with pure childish joy at the fact that it is Christmas time. I got a little bit of work done on my novel, but I spent more time on sharing information about GMO bullshit and writing a nasty letter to the EPA.  I would love to make it a daily habit; to write an email, letter or even just make a call, to a government official about an issue that I care about. I could really do that everyday of the year for the GMO and Pesticide overuse and feel like I was working toward a solid goal.  Maybe someday that will be feasible for me.

Letting Go: I want to let go of my habit of driving so much. I live in Chicago and now that my kids transport a little easier, I am ready to look for more opportunities to take public transit. I'm not ready to give up the car completely, but with a little more planning time, I could cut my city driving in half at least. I guess, to really do this, I need to start keeping track of my current driving habits, and then set a goal in terms of miles per week.  And I'll be starting this in the dead of winter, God help me!

Gratitude: I took my 15 year old cat to the vet today for a check-up. In spite of being a total curmudgeon, he's in excellent health for a "senior" cat. They actually said he looks really young for his age. I am so thankful for his companionship. He and I have a very special bond and I love those moments when he rests his head against my lap when I'm working on the couch. <3

Shooting For: On the class tip, I've really been wanting to return to a martial arts practice for a long time. I took Aikido about 15 years ago and loved it, but I wasn't able to stick with it at that time. There's also a Kung Fu & Tai Chi place very close to my house that I've been considering. I'm drawn to the discipline and the self-defense tactics I would gain. Unlike the dance, this is something that I would like to stick with for a long time so that I can begin to develop a mastery. I just need to decide what the best fit for me would be.

That's it for today. Goodnight. ~k

DAY 27

Man, this was a full day, but not quite as satisfying. With my 3 year old in tow all day, time seems to tick by with very little accomplished. Just doing my best to soak up the sweet moments between meltdowns. I also just wasn't feeling 100% physically either, which has really been bumming me out.  And so, in the spirit of letting go of perfection, today's post will be short and sweet. And I haven't even figured out yet what I'll write for my 3 things today. It's already feeling like 30 days of 3 things each day may be a bit excessive. I reserve the right to change the deal - I'm the one who made it up anyway.

Letting Go: I am definitely ready to let go of my achy back. I do all the right things in terms of exercise and training and proper diet, but my back makes me feel like I'm 80 years old. I'm ready to let that go, Goddess of the Universe. Just in case you were waiting for me to give a thumbs up.

Gratitude: I am so thankful that I found a beautiful Christmas tree today. It's lovely. We managed to get it up and put some lights on it, but it may take another day or two to get the rest of it done. But it makes me happy to see it in my living room and to smell the air that it breathes in there. Aahhh.

Shooting For: In my 40s, I want to learn a really awesome dance to one song. I don't want to start some long-term dance training or start competing in competitions or anything. I just want to learn one dance to one song really well, so when I have a chance to dance, I can do that one and have fun while being awesome at it.

OK. That's it. I'm done. I managed to get up a little early today and work on my novel and it felt so good to do that. Gonna do that again tomorrow.

Goodnight. ~k

DAY 28

Today was productive, which always feels good to me at the end of the day. I stayed on track with my eating and feel the light energy that comes from clean, pure food. I drank a ton of water, worked out for 30 minutes, got a lot of office work done and cleaned one room of my house really well. I try to acknowledge when I have a good day like this, so I don't feel so bad on all the days that fall short.

I ran across an interview online during lunch that really spoke to my post yesterday about wanting to change my response to fear. Elizabeth Gilbert was being interviewed by Marie Forleo for her Marie TV series - you can check it out here. I loved the way that Gilbert put the fear versus creativity battle into words. They also discussed a slew of other topics, like perfectionism and rejection, that were helpful to think about in terms of getting my novel out there and sticking with it no matter what.

It's been such a full day, that I'm struggling to come up with my three things, but here goes.

Letting Go: Well, perfectionism, since it came up today, would be an excellent thing for me to let go of. It has plagued me for as long as I can remember, but I also think that it has gotten worse with age. I'm sure it's not entirely surprising considering how this blog comes out, that I have this 'disease' - ha, ha. It was interesting to hear Gilbert say that Perfectionism is a killer of creativity but that it masquerades as a virtue. I totally get that. And with everything I do, whether it's how I mother my children, or how I attempt to keep my home, to how I feel when I'm creating something, perfectionism is something I'm definitely ready to let go of. Doing so will allow me to try more things and especially complete more projects... like my novel! Win-win.

Gratitude: Today, I am grateful for exercise. Beyond just being a way to keep fit and healthy, exercise has given me such an important outlet for stress. So many weird ailments that seemed to come out of nowhere right after my second was born, were due to stress. Having a regular exercise routine for almost 2 years now, where I can always be changing up what I'm doing - from weight lifting to boot camp to yoga or pilates or barre class - has radically improved how I get through my days.

Shooting for: In my 40s, even as I strive for bigger and better goals in life, I want to take everything a little less seriously and allow a more playful attitude into my work. Again, I go back to that interview, where she talked about being a martyr for your work, or being a trickster with your work. The art is in reimagining our accepted, collective reality into something different. To take what I see and flip it upside down. To play. To create something out of thin air and toss it out into the universe to see what happens. I really like that goal - to play more. My kids are still young and help me to remember that somewhat now, but as they age, it will be more important that I am able to remind them from time to time.

With that, I'll say Goodnight.
~k

DAY 29

It's not lost on me the degree to which any plans I might want to make for the 30 days before my birthday have the additional burden of coinciding with "The Holidays." Growing up with a birthday on January 5th means that I'm used to having my day in the shadows of the overindulgent consumerism blitzkrieg that Christmas and New Years has become. By the time my birthday rolls around, most people are broke and genuinely tired of parties of any shape or size. That's why I feel blessed beyond my wildest expectations to have friends that would actually brave a blizzard to join me for a birthday brunch.

But, for me, the girl who always has a big plan in her back pocket, it can be particularly tricky when I want to set goals for the time leading up to my birthday, because I have a mine field of traps to get through on the way. I have to get through the endless to do lists, the Christmas cards and the shopping, the cooking and cleaning the house for family visitors. The kids holiday shows, the parties and the party food. And drinks. And food. And did I mention, the food?

One of my completely serious goals was to follow the basics on this eating plan that included no snacks, no sugar and no flour. While it's supposed to be for life, I liked the idea of following it until I felt like my sugar cravings were better under control and I'd lost a little of the baby belly I've been carrying around for way too many years. I started that eating plan about a week before Thanksgiving and did great on it, until Thanksgiving. And here I am a week and a half later and I still haven't been able to get back on it for more than a day. I had this dream that I would arrive at 40 in the best shape of my life. That's a very motivating goal for me and I thought that would be enough to get me through the sticky holiday foods at least mostly intact and better off than when I started. Tomorrow is Monday and a new, fresh week begins. Maybe I can get back on that horse and stay on a little longer this time.

OK. Here's today's entry.
Letting Go: I had thought last night as I was trying to get to sleep that I'd love to give up fear. But even as the thought was forming I knew it wasn't actually possible. Fear is as much a part of life as love is. Fear serves a valuable purpose and the only way a person can be truly brave is in the presence of fear. But as I turned the ideas around and dug deeper, I came to this: I had a habit of allowing fear to paralyze me from taking action. My Chinese zodiac sign is a rabbit and I often feel like my fear response is very much like a rabbit's. I freeze. I don't run OR fight; it's almost like my fight or flight hormones just lock up and I do nothing. And so, that's what I want to let go of. I've come to feel that any action, even if it might sometimes be the wrong one, is better than no action. (I don't think this is good advice for everyone by any means. People who are prone to acting without thinking need to do the opposite. But for me, this is a good one.) I see this as a big reason why I haven't been more successful in my career so far. I am letting go of my 30s "Fear Freeze."

Gratitude: Today I am grateful for the ability to create things. Over the weekend I made a board book for a friend's baby who was turning one. I had ordered a few blank board books for another project a while ago and had a couple left over. I got this idea for a personalized "peek-a-boo" book using images of the child's family members and pet. I pasted a picture on each page and then glued "curtains" over each picture so the baby can try to guess who is behind each one. I had so much fun putting it all together and found that at each step, I had exactly what I needed to pull it all off. Now I need to do another one for my nephew and I'm really looking forward to it! For the next one, I'll try to document how I do it for future reference.

Shooting for: In my 40s, I will formalize my giving relationships. Today's Gratitude reminded me of just how good it feels when I'm not just giving to be giving, but when I feel like I'm giving something that is unique to me; whether its a homemade gift or doing something for someone else that I am specifically wired to do. While my husband and I give regularly to our favorite charities every year and I try to volunteer at events when I can, I want to become more consistently involved with a few organizations or causes that I am uniquely positioned to share just the right skills or perspective or network or resources. While it could be something like joining the board of a non-profit, I can also envision so many more ways that I could plug into a regular practice of making the world a kinder more hopeful place in some small, and yet tangible way.

As I close up, I like to imagine how these three things tie together, like three cards in a tarot reading showing past, present and future.

Goodnight. ~k