DAY 4+

Courage is a muscle that can only be strengthened by doing something that is scary. 

That was my mantra today as I woke up knowing I was going to be hurling my body through the sky strapped to a glorified kite. I had a feeling that I would love soaring like an eagle, but the thought of leaping off a cliff 1300 feet in the air was pretty scary. The entire morning, I had anxious butterflies as I tried to get a few important things done before my 11am reservation to fly.

When I showed up, there was one other woman who was also hang gliding for the first time. She was accompanied by a woman who was a 20+ year veteran of hang gliding. In fact, she had moved to this area 20 years ago specifically because the hang gliding was so great here. She gave me a ride to the take-off and landing area, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today was a perfect day to fly. The sun was out, no rain, a few scattered clouds and low wind. It was a little colder than it's been all week, but I dressed warmly enough. After I checked in, I found out that they don't usually launch a tandem hang glider from the ramp on top of the mountain, due to the varying wind direction. Instead, I would travel to the landing strip at the bottom of the mountain, where we would be towed by a small plane up to 2000 ft. Once high enough, the plane would disconnect and we'd hang glide back down. That discovery immediately put me at ease. It's far less scary to start on the ground and fly up than it is to take that leap of faith off the mountain. So perhaps today was just a general warm-up for my courage muscle.

By noon local time, I was strapping into my harness and learning my way around the hang-glider. At this stage, all I really needed to know was how to hang on. And even that wasn't so crucial as I was strapped in to both the hang glider itself and the pilot. It felt like most of what he was telling me was just to put me at ease. And before I knew it, we were taking off and heading straight up into the sky. While my body felt warm, my face was feeling the cold sting of the air as we ascended into the great blue. As we circled higher and higher I was feeling pretty at ease with the whole thing - not really worried at all. The moment we disconnected, we hung in the air for a few seconds, enjoying the quiet as the plane sped off ahead, floating on the air. It was peaceful. And then the pilot started diving and looping us around like we were on a paper airplane. The feeling of falling forward - he described it like being on a roller coaster - but it was without tracks, or rails, or an actual roller coaster and we were 2000 feet in the air! That was when I started to feel the rush of adrenaline, the fragility of my life, the fine line between living and dying.

My favorite experience was when we were just floating and gliding and looking down at the mountain, the farms and houses below. I think I even saw the house where we're staying this week. Everything was so beautiful. The woman who had given me a ride down to the landing strip was like a favorite character in a novel. She had the glow of a woman who lived a life of adventure, with wise and kind eyes. She talked about flights she'd taken for over an hour, staying up as long as possible, and finding herself in a town 60 miles away and needing to find a ride back home.

After my flight, I spent a quiet afternoon at the house and welcomed more family in to visit. We had a delicious early dinner at the Canyon Grill and after dinner drinks and chocolate back at the house. It's almost 10:30 and just about everyone is already in bed. After the day I've had, I have no need to go out and drink and shout Happy New Years at people. I've had the most perfect day to end a really fantastic year.

2015 was a year of uncertainty, change, pleasant surprises and making new commitments. I joined a church, traveled a lot and learned even more. I started new projects, read some great books and found more ways to slow down and connect more fully with my kids, my family and friends. As I look ahead to 2016, I know that I've already begun preparing myself in large part due to keeping this blog. And so, I have no list of resolutions beyond the thoughts I've published here over the last 3 and a half weeks. I go to sleep tonight to dream of the new heights that I can reach for now that I've flexed my courage muscle a little bit more today.

Thank you for reading and Happy New Year to you!
goodnight. ~k

DAY 5ish

Ruby Falls, gushing down from a towering height, declaring her presence beyond the dream-like memory I had of her from 36 or 37 years ago. My mother says that our family trip to Chattanooga happened when I was about 3 or 4, (about the age of my youngest now) While I didn't have many memories of that trip, walking through the caves and seeing Ruby Falls are images that were vividly burned in my mind. I remembered the colored lights, the railing surrounding the falls. The room around it seemed bigger then, but the waterfall itself, I remember being more like a trickle. I'm guessing it was a summer trip. But there was something about it that spoke to me, as a young girl. Spoke to a timeless observer in me that I wasn't even aware of yet.

This is why, today, carrying my 3 year old daughter into that place was something of a sacred act. I tolerated her incessant requests to be held largely because I was feeling a special connection to her and my little girl self at the same time. And in spite of my aching arms, I loved having her in my arms and watching her see this place for the first time. There was a moment or two when she smoothed the hair away from my face the way I do for her.

Throughout the tour, which was mostly an annoying wait in an elaborate line to keep people engaged or distracted enough to not realize they are actually waiting in line, I couldn't shake my eagerness to see it again. My mother-in-law had seen it once before as well, more than 55 years ago, when she was a young girl. My husband and father-in-law had never been. Looking at this picture now, I am so grateful for today's experience.

Ruby Falls was a force to be reckoned with today, in the middle of a warm and wet winter here. Her crashing locks filled the room with sound and mist and her presence unapologetically claimed the spotlight. And all of her strength and beauty dissolved into a small pool no deeper than the average height of a woman.

What if we women were to realize that we all have a hidden waterfall of power and strength and beauty within us? What if we could connect with that and share it with our daughters and our mothers?

Ruby Falls was named for a woman. Women Rock. ;-)

goodnight. ~k

DAY 6... or so

What a difference a day can make, when the sun shines away the puddles after living in a rain cloud. Had a semi-lazy morning, where work got done at a leisurely pace before heading out to explore a little of Chattanooga's finest... that I know of... so far.

We drove down the mountain looking at blue skies streaked with wispy white. Had a great lunch at Terminal BrewHouse where I discovered "West by God" which is the answer to anytime you've had trouble deciding between ordering the salad or the burger and fries. This puts the burger and fries on top of your salad, skips the bun, which you wanna do anyway, and can only be eaten with knife and fork. The beers were reported to be great, but I did not try one.

We followed that with a stop in The Hot Chocolatier (which should appear on Google Maps before I have to zoom all the way in to the last level. Naughty Google, editing my map finds by who pays most to be seen. I have no real knowledge that this is or isn't happening by the way. Just a thought I had and wondered about.) I treated the kids to a dessert, me to a chai latte, and all of us to various little chocolate treats to take home for later. I loved everything about this not-so-little shop of culinary love. Tremendous variety to be produced by a single location. Artisan quality, Artistry in every detail and just the right touch of Back Kitchen Voyeurism (BKV). I bought 4 truffles.

Tonight we tried the Tom Selleck of course. I have forgotten the full description, but it was chocolate with vanilla and whiskey, in honor of the simultaneous whiskey run that was happening next door. While I don't usually choose milk chocolate, this mostly milk, smooth and creamy truffle delivered expertly mingled accent flavors of whiskey and vanilla... and I think just a hint of leather, all topped with a dark chocolate zigzag interpretation of a mustache and yeah, dead ringer for a "Tom Selleck Kiss." (Hershey's or French, you decide) Can you tell I like this place?

Second thing absolutely worth mentioning, aside from the fact that everything we tried was top notch, is the milk chocolate blueberries. Again, I never pick milk, my older child picked these and I do love blueberry, but these were knock-it-out-of-the-park, never-had-anything-quite-like-it ever chocolate fantasy balls. I won't even attempt to describe them because I need to... well, I think it's possible that when a food is just too intensely pleasurable, it becomes impossible to evaluate anything tangible about the experience because all senses are in hyperdrive, all pleasure centers have been tripped. Milk.Chocolate.Blueberries. If you like blueberries, get them.

I'm spending a lot of time talking about chocolate and lunch outing because the biggest things that happened for me today came in visions during my very powerful meditation tonight. I saw a vision of myself doing a project in the future and it was one of those things that, when it happens, you look at your past, weaving and meandering through your youth, and realize that it all suddenly adds up to something unique that you alone can best create. It was a big vision. And one that needs further gestation before a public announcement would be appropriate.

Tonight I am very inspired to start becoming more focused on giving. Finding new and better and more fun ways to give. And what if the ways in which we give, over a lifetime, are the only real things in life? What if each of us began to see our own life as a gift to the world? Not that we might be worshipped; but so that we can be of service.

goodnight. ~k

DAY "7"

Here's my picture worth a thousand words of our view from the deck. I snapped this shot early this morning before the rain started up again. Much of the day, we couldn't see more than 10 feet away being inside the clouds. The rain was soft and peaceful, though.

I did a visualization meditation first thing this morning before I got out of bed, which is nice when I can't sleep but still feel too tired to get up. Then I got to spend a couple of hours working on year-end book-keeping, which is NOT EVER fun, but way better to do it in a beautiful place while on vacation than to do it at home in our office. And there's my Gratitude for the day: The miracle of modern tech that allows us to do so many kinds of work effectively from anywhere. I've gotten to travel a lot this year, and being able to keep up with a few of my jobs while on the road has been key.

Letting Go: I booked my reservation to do a tandem hang glide for this Thursday at 11am. As much as I've been wanting this, the second it became real, I got a little nervous. And then I hear from a friend tonight that someone he knew said that hang gliding was scarier than skydiving, having done both. And, with a bit of ill-advised research, I learn that statistically, sky-diving is actually safer than hang gliding. Go figure! But, to me, if I can let go of that fear-mind-chatter, I see more beauty and grace and joy in watching someone hang glide than I do watching a skydive. I saw a huge hawk circling this morning and felt what must have inspired the first hang gliders. The hawk was so beautiful, peaceful and graceful, gliding through the air like an ice skater on the ice. This week, beauty will have to trump logic, adventure will usurp caution and I will soar like a hawk from this mountain top.

Shooting for: In my 40s, I will take a hot air balloon ride. Another beautiful, sky-based activity I've always wanted to do. Surely, at some point in the next 10 years, I can find a way to make that happen. Not sure why these things are coming up for me now, but they all make me smile.

***very much looking forward to my restful night's sleep in this deliciously cozy bed***

goodnight. ~k

DAY "8"

Well, I didn't take any pictures today, but I took in a ton of natural beauty. Sorry, you'll just have to take my word for it. And I don't think I'll even have a thousand of them to describe it. We woke before the sun came up, because that's when the kids started chirping. And we enjoyed a lazy morning of Mary Poppins and Legos and dolls and cereal and yogurt. Then, we drove to Signal Mountain, about 45 min NW, for brunch with my step sister and her family. We got to hike for about an hour through the woods - my phone said it was 80 degrees - by a gorgeously full, rushing river at times and through thick, sticky mud at others. We left the younger child with grandparents and took the almost 7 year old, who did amazingly well for a first serious trek (about 75 min and 5 miles, up and down and through thick brush at times) That counted as my workout for the day and I got to catch up with my step sister along the way, which was super.

We also discovered an amazing restaurant for dinner that was just down the road from our house. It was such a treat to go out and have amazing food and the kids were remarkably well-behaved, all things considered. There were two bummers today: one was feeling queazy every time I was in the car because I was probably riding in a car for close to 2 hours all together today. Those mountain switchbacks often get to me unless I'm the one driving. The other was finding out that my brother's back pain flaring up recently means that we won't get to see him and his family on this trip. I really hope he recovers soon.

Today, I did an okay job of letting go of the sugar again. Not perfect, but significantly better. Just a few bites of chocolate over the course of the day. Otherwise, I made tea or had an apple to divert my cravings.

My meditation today was a guided meditation that focuses on abundance and on inviting more abundance into your life. This was the second time I tried this, and I found that I zoned out (or fell asleep) right around the same place. I've been struggling with visioning more abundance for myself because I feel so incredibly, abundantly blessed already. While the abundance hasn't come to me in the ways that I had hoped or thought it would, it has come to me all the same. And so, all I can think of is gratitude for what I already have: an great home in a nice neighborhood with a good school and kind neighbors. A caring and supportive husband and two healthy kids. We all have our needs met and hoping for more seems excessive. The only way I can try to envision more for myself is in imagining being able to give more to others and to have a greater impact in the world.

I've known that I want to help people since I was very little. At first I wanted to be a nurse. Then I was advised against it... by a real nurse. I've since learned that are so many ways to help people - through story telling or through healing or through listening. A couple of weeks ago, I hear Elizabeth Gilbert say in an interview that people don't want to be helped. That I should focus instead on doing what makes me happy. On creating what makes me happy. Well, helping people makes me happy. Does that make me annoying, or a person to be tolerated? Does that mean that I'm out of touch with what really makes me happy? I don't know. But I do know that when I was sick recently, I allowed others to help me. I needed it. And I accepted the help gladly. And those that helped me were able to feel good about helping. Historically, I'm not someone who asks for help very easily. But in recent years I've learned that accepting help, and making room to receive help from others, benefits both me and the person giving. That lots of people enjoy giving. And the only time that giving seems out of place is when there is no one willing to receive. In that way, to receive graciously becomes the gift. And, as I've become better at receiving help, I've also become better at knowing when and how to give it.

thank you for reading.
goodnight. ~k

DAY 9? Yeah, I'm calling it Nine.

We made it to our final destination for the week - Rising Fawn, GA on Lookout Mountain, just over the Tennessee line from Chattanooga. The house I reserved is beautiful, classy, and well appointed. The week ahead includes time with family and hopefully a little sight seeing in Chattanooga with the kids. And the really big thing that I've been wanting to do since planning this trip is Hang Gliding! Our house is minutes down the street from Hang Glide Park. The only hang-up, pun intended, is that flooding in the area is causing issues in the landing zone, so I'm not sure how many available flying days there will be this week while we're here. So, I'm putting this out there now - I really, really, REALLY want to do this on this trip. Please, dear Gods of Dare Devilry - - let me get a chance to fly this week and experience a life-long dream!

Meditation was extremely difficult tonight. I felt kind of bloated after dinner and being physically uncomfortable is actually a very big distraction. Surprise, surprise. I'm also pretty wiped out from the day. I managed to get in a quick workout at the hotel before we left this morning, which was so nice. First one in a week; it felt good to get back on track. Then we had just under 5 hours on the road, much of it in pounding rain, which was a little tense. After getting settled in, figuring out dinner and getting the kids to bed, I'm feeling about ready to collapse.

Letting Go: I am ready to let go of all these holiday sweets I've been enjoying. They just make me feel so crummy after I eat them. Time to get back to reality. I was feeling so much better when I was sugar-free!

Gratitude: I am so thankful that this house turned out to be every bit as wonderful as it seemed in the pictures... even more so. I've rented private homes for at least a dozen trips over the years, and while I think I'm pretty good at picking them, you just never really know what you're going to find until you get there. This is definitely one of my favorites ever. I'll post a picture of our view tomorrow. Hoping to catch either the sunrise or the sunset from our long deck along the peak of Lookout Mountain.

Shooting For: As I watch the hang-gliding videos, I see myself getting really into the hang gliding culture, maybe getting training to be a pilot. But I really can't commit to anything until I try it first. So, for now, I am shooting to try one new thing every year in my 40s. Maybe I already tend to do this, but I love the idea of making it a point to find at least one new unique experience like hang gliding, or surfing (which actually scares me more than hang gliding!) that I can try every year.

goodnight. ~k

DAY 10

Celebrate every milestone, is what I say. Well, I'm saying it now at least. Just 10 days left until my 40th birthday. And it's Christmas Day. My sweet friend who had that Dec 17th due date is still waiting, I believe. My mom can feel her pain. Or could, about 40 years ago.

We woke up to the giddy giggles of two kids excited to open presents. Even when I'm completely exhausted, that sound is even better than a great cup of coffee. My older one, who is about to be 7, has been doubting the whole Santa thing, but not completely sure either way. My husband and I have never pushed too hard on the belief for our kids, but we want them to enjoy it as long as it suits them. So, my response is always, Some people believe in Santa and some don't . I've never seen him, so I don't really know. What do you think? And even as my older one says that Santa's not real, I can hear the hesitation to fully commit to that. It's cute. Maybe there's a fear that the disbelief might equal fewer presents somehow. So, we set up the test: One freshly baked cookie and the milk. Older child quizzed me to make sure that no thieves or bad guys could break in and pretend to be Santa. All doors and windows locked? check. Only way in is through the chimney? check. No real person can fit through the chimney, which is why Santa uses magic? check.

So, this morning upon waking, the milk and cookie test was almost more pressing than the presents. Santa ate the cookie, leaving a few large crumbs behind on the plate and drank about half of the milk. He even wrote a little thank you note in cursive (which Mom and Dad never write in!) at the bottom of the note that we left which read: "Santa only!" - meaning that only Santa could eat the cookie. My older child was convinced, even a little relieved I think, to see that Santa had, in fact, come to our house and left our deserving children with a couple of special presents this year. I don't even remember when I stopped believing in Santa. I don't really remember believing in him. I had 2 older brothers who I'm pretty sure spoiled it for me early on. But, I don't feel like I missed out on anything and I don't think I felt like I did then. Christmas was still a ton of fun, even on the lean years. Because, getting a toy or two was enough when you got to spend all day in your jammies with the whole family and nobody had to go to work or school or be stressed out trying to get somewhere. Surely that's a really big part of the Christmas Magic.

Which is why I started to question my sanity just a little bit as we attempted to pack up and leave for a week long trip today. In some ways, it was a good scheme. Let the kids open all their gifts early and then husband and I pack and load the car while they play with all their new toys. Only, for me, leaving town tends to be a bit stressful, because I always feel like I'm forgetting something and we tend to bring so much stuff when we're driving because we can. Add to that, the occasional eruptions of sibling rivalry and I was having a hard time focusing on all the things I needed to do (water the plants, feed the fish and the cat, etc.) We got on the road about 12:45, only 45 min after our plan, and found the interstate gloriously deserted. We were out of Chicago in 15 minutes - unheard of any other day of the year. And a trip that usually takes us 7 hours, took about 5 and a half. A couple of hours of pack-it-up stress dissolved with road trip bliss. Today I got a glimpse of what life might be like without traffic. Or what it might be like after a zombie apocalypse without any zombies around. It was nice.

We made it to our hotel and pulled together a modest dinner out of the 4 bags + 1 cooler of food I packed (one more reason why it's so hard for me to pack for a trip, but so worth it when I can avoid the fast food trap) The kids were happily exhausted from an exciting day, and we've still got our whole trip ahead of us.

Gratitude: Today, I'm grateful for the gorgeous sunset I saw as we were driving south, the smooth ride down the highway, for my family staying safe amid the El Nino tornado season, for our chance to reconnect with them this week and for this moment right now, to savor today's journey.

With just... wait a minute. I just realized something hilarious. I started this blog on December 5th at Day 30, but since December has 31 days in it (of course!), I've been ahead by a day this whole time! If I wasn't the only one awake in a quiet hotel room, I would be laughing out loud right now. I'm actually really good at math, but it's the simple equations that trip me up. Good grief! Well, this is interesting. Rather than recount my days, or have two DAY 10s, I'm going to leave that last day as a BONUS day. And I'm sure that something extraordinary will happen on that day. No pressure, January 4th, but you gotta top all 30 days that precede you in some remarkable way. At least you've got 10 days to prepare. hmm. The idea of a bonus day is growing on me. I'll have to dream on that a bit.

goodnight. ~k