DAY BONUS Day!

This is it... the final countdown. Not only is this my 31st day of blogging, but it's also my 99th day of my 100 Day Gong, meditating everyday for a minimum of 20, and write everyday for at least 20 minutes. I haven't missed a day, except for a rainy day on the trail when I didn't write. I also wasn't sure how long I meditated while on the trail because I had no watch and my phone was off the whole time. It felt like a weekend-long meditation, with lots and lots of walking meditation. Walking on broken paths rather than smooth sidewalks requires more attention to avoid slipping, falling or twisting an ankle, as I and my brother did. That attention to steps and the path, sensing our balance from moment to moment and adjusting, learning to use walking sticks the right way, all created anchors to keep me in the present moment, not reliving the past and not worrying about the future. To me, that is the heart of meditation.

During the first 70 days, I was writing in a journal most days and some days I was writing my novel also, other days instead of. Once I started the blog, though, I stopped with the written personal journal and I've been missing it. I've written in it maybe a handful of times in the last 30 days. I'd really like to write in it tonight.

This was a day when I threw myself into my work, just like I was wanting to and it felt really good. My mindset about stuff and clutter has really shifted since reading that book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I feel much less attachment to things and it's much easier for me to make decisions (and feel confident in them) on whether I choose to keep an item or not. It's so freeing. I did some major clearing out of stuff and organizing, took down the Christmas decorations and had the place cleaned from top to bottom. I had expected this to take at least 2 days, but I'm really glad that I jumped in full force and got it all done today. That is THE BEST gift I could have given myself for tomorrow!

I got some great ideas for how I would like to celebrate tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to my day. I also want to write a bit in my Gong journal, just to mark my 100th day.

can't believe this is goodbye. for now.

I've had many ideas for future blogs and I've really enjoyed sharing this journey with a few of you.

All of a sudden, my planned exit seems so unceremonious. But, it's late and I got nothin'.

Except, perhaps, a big reveal. I haven't wanted to use a current picture of myself or anyone in my life that I may mention in passing on my blog. I wanted to keep it somewhat non-specific, for a variety of reasons. But I don't know if I'd actually stay interested in a blog if I couldn't see what the writer looks like. I don't mind not knowing for a little while, but eventually, I gotta know.

My Big Reveal = a picture I snapped today + with my crappy computer cam + wearing #nomakeup + using #nofilter + a bit of product. (No idea why I'm wearing a serial killer face!) No time to retake. I guess I'll flex that bravery muscle and let everyone see my dark side. Just in case you hadn't already.

goodnight. ~k
**now y'all come back for whatever happens next. it'll be fun.

DAY WON!

I had the crazy idea of following this blog with a new one tracking my first 40 days of my 40s, but as I have a girls weekend coming up with my old roommates from college, I know that most of what I do on those days will not be publishable! Ha, ha. What happens in Colorado STAYS in Colorado - know what I'm sayin'?

Today was a lovely day from a birds eye view. It felt like much of the day my kids were bickering with each other or throwing tantrums of some sort. And the mountain of things I still need to unpack and put away from our trip and the holidays is overwhelming. But, if I step back from those details, I can appreciate getting to go to church with the kids and the fact that all three of us had a great experience being back there today. I can remember the kids giggling while playing in the snow, which we've had so little of this winter.  I can feel good that I worked against that overwhelm and really got a lot done today to get us back into our routine starting tomorrow. And so I can say, that overall, I WON today - because the silver linings are what I'll remember about today.

Always, always, always look for the silver lining. - today's mantra

Tomorrow is my bonus day, but I'm not sure how spectacular it will be. I've just got so much to do before my husband leaves town for work on Tuesday and I leave town on Thursday. Tomorrow, I plan on losing myself in work, but perhaps something unusual and special will come out of that work. It's been known to happen.

Today at church, was the White Stone Service. I had never done this before, but I really love this tradition that many Unity churches follow for the New Year. The link above provides a better explanation than I could. I love the simplicity of it. And I love that it's tangible; that I get to keep a reminder of this year's theme. I received one word loud and clear during the service and then upon further meditation this evening, got another. One for each side. And while the second one feels like unfinished business from 2015, the first one is a brand new frontier for me. I have no idea how this will play out in 2016 but I'm excited to find out along the way.

My 30s are now a dim and dying light hanging on to the last bit of wick in the candle. On Tuesday, I'll light a new candle. My 40s Candle.

Today, I'm grateful for my lovely spiritual community. It was just a few years ago that I put out an intention to find one that suited me, and this one does so quite well.

And now for precious sleep.
goodnight. ~k

DAY, TOO

The Last Picture I took before we drove away... about 8:15am... facing in the direction we were headed.

Barely slept last night but wanted to do something physical before sitting in the car for 9 hours, so I got up and did 3 rounds of the 7 minute workout before we hit the road for home. I'm glad I did it, but I'm exhausted now, at the end of the day.

Watching my oldest this evening when we got home, picking fights and sulking, I remembered that feeling of coming home after a big trip like the one we just had, and knowing that I'd be going back to school in a day or two, and just feeling sad. That sadness became palpable the moment I thought of it today. 

But coming home is different for me now. Even though I'm staring at a seemingly impossible To Do List this week, I'm coming home to a life that I really love. It's a life that I have gotten to build over the years along with everyone who is a part of it. But I haven't always felt this way. 

As much as I want my children to have happy childhoods, I cannot give them happiness all the time. No one can. The best I can do as a parent is to help them learn that they can shape and color their lives in any way they can imagine. To say yes to the things that matter and no thank you to the things that don't. To take on the responsibility and challenge of continuing to tweak the details of their lives until they have a life that they enjoy living. And to understand that everything will change, many times over, from bad to great and back again. And that a beautiful and powerful life isn't one without fear or tragedy or struggle or pain, but one in which you time and again, prove yourself to be greater, stronger and braver than you ever thought you could be.

And today was his birthday. Lucky number seven.

I am filled with gratitude for my first child today. I am letting go of my need to write a longer blog post tonight. I am shooting for sheer perfection this week.  Ha! Just kidding. I'm shooting to get 3 big important things done each of the next 4 days, and anything additional is bonus and therefore cause for celebration. My "Bonus Day" is falling on a Monday. Very interesting.

goodnight. ~k

DAY "FREE"

I woke up this morning and realized that today was our last day of vacation. And it felt... just. right.  I was able to look back on this week and feel like it was time well spent. We soaked up every adventure and every relaxed sigh at the view and every delicious meal and every moment with loved ones. I didn't feel like it flew by or that I missed anything I was hoping to experience. It was a great week.

Later, I wondered if the fact that I've kept up with my meditation had anything to do with that feeling. Often, I have let my meditation practice and my exercise practice lapse when on vacation. And while I backed off a bit on exercise, I haven't missed a day of meditation. I think that practice of slowing down my thoughts on a daily basis, has helped to fill out my experience of the week, so that it neither felt too short or too long, but just right. I'll get into the car for our drive home tomorrow with a satisfied mind and spirit.

Today was the first day of 2016 and it started with lots of bacon. And some eggs. And green tea. And then, we made our traditional black-eyed peas and collard greens, this time with risotto, because that's what I had on hand. It was all delicious. We also celebrated my oldest child's seventh birthday a day early. We were joined by more family and it was all the more merry.

When Monday rolls around, we'll all be hitting the ground hard and fast, with a fully scheduled week ahead. I want to remember to take things one at a time, and allow myself to complete one task before worrying about the next. This will serve me well in the coming months.

Letting Go: As my 30s are dwindling down like a candle that is about to burn out, I find myself less and less attached to my identity as a 30-something. I feel like I am in the process of letting go of my 30s. Certainly, keeping this log and practice of reflecting daily on what it means to be 30-something or 40-something has helped a great deal with this. But, it also feels like a very natural and gradual process.

Gratitude: Today I am so grateful for this trip. For all the amazing experiences that I got to have, for this beautiful house we got to live in for 7 nights, for all the family that was able to make the trip to join us, for the view, the weather, the sunsets, the fine food and wine...

Shooting For: In my 40s, I am going to start taking better care of my face! While I feel like I'm aging pretty well in general, my face is telling a different story. I took it for granted in my 30s. Hopefully, it's not too late to reverse some of the damage, or at least slow down the creation of more damage.

thanks for reading.
goodnight. ~k

DAY 4+

Courage is a muscle that can only be strengthened by doing something that is scary. 

That was my mantra today as I woke up knowing I was going to be hurling my body through the sky strapped to a glorified kite. I had a feeling that I would love soaring like an eagle, but the thought of leaping off a cliff 1300 feet in the air was pretty scary. The entire morning, I had anxious butterflies as I tried to get a few important things done before my 11am reservation to fly.

When I showed up, there was one other woman who was also hang gliding for the first time. She was accompanied by a woman who was a 20+ year veteran of hang gliding. In fact, she had moved to this area 20 years ago specifically because the hang gliding was so great here. She gave me a ride to the take-off and landing area, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today was a perfect day to fly. The sun was out, no rain, a few scattered clouds and low wind. It was a little colder than it's been all week, but I dressed warmly enough. After I checked in, I found out that they don't usually launch a tandem hang glider from the ramp on top of the mountain, due to the varying wind direction. Instead, I would travel to the landing strip at the bottom of the mountain, where we would be towed by a small plane up to 2000 ft. Once high enough, the plane would disconnect and we'd hang glide back down. That discovery immediately put me at ease. It's far less scary to start on the ground and fly up than it is to take that leap of faith off the mountain. So perhaps today was just a general warm-up for my courage muscle.

By noon local time, I was strapping into my harness and learning my way around the hang-glider. At this stage, all I really needed to know was how to hang on. And even that wasn't so crucial as I was strapped in to both the hang glider itself and the pilot. It felt like most of what he was telling me was just to put me at ease. And before I knew it, we were taking off and heading straight up into the sky. While my body felt warm, my face was feeling the cold sting of the air as we ascended into the great blue. As we circled higher and higher I was feeling pretty at ease with the whole thing - not really worried at all. The moment we disconnected, we hung in the air for a few seconds, enjoying the quiet as the plane sped off ahead, floating on the air. It was peaceful. And then the pilot started diving and looping us around like we were on a paper airplane. The feeling of falling forward - he described it like being on a roller coaster - but it was without tracks, or rails, or an actual roller coaster and we were 2000 feet in the air! That was when I started to feel the rush of adrenaline, the fragility of my life, the fine line between living and dying.

My favorite experience was when we were just floating and gliding and looking down at the mountain, the farms and houses below. I think I even saw the house where we're staying this week. Everything was so beautiful. The woman who had given me a ride down to the landing strip was like a favorite character in a novel. She had the glow of a woman who lived a life of adventure, with wise and kind eyes. She talked about flights she'd taken for over an hour, staying up as long as possible, and finding herself in a town 60 miles away and needing to find a ride back home.

After my flight, I spent a quiet afternoon at the house and welcomed more family in to visit. We had a delicious early dinner at the Canyon Grill and after dinner drinks and chocolate back at the house. It's almost 10:30 and just about everyone is already in bed. After the day I've had, I have no need to go out and drink and shout Happy New Years at people. I've had the most perfect day to end a really fantastic year.

2015 was a year of uncertainty, change, pleasant surprises and making new commitments. I joined a church, traveled a lot and learned even more. I started new projects, read some great books and found more ways to slow down and connect more fully with my kids, my family and friends. As I look ahead to 2016, I know that I've already begun preparing myself in large part due to keeping this blog. And so, I have no list of resolutions beyond the thoughts I've published here over the last 3 and a half weeks. I go to sleep tonight to dream of the new heights that I can reach for now that I've flexed my courage muscle a little bit more today.

Thank you for reading and Happy New Year to you!
goodnight. ~k

DAY 5ish

Ruby Falls, gushing down from a towering height, declaring her presence beyond the dream-like memory I had of her from 36 or 37 years ago. My mother says that our family trip to Chattanooga happened when I was about 3 or 4, (about the age of my youngest now) While I didn't have many memories of that trip, walking through the caves and seeing Ruby Falls are images that were vividly burned in my mind. I remembered the colored lights, the railing surrounding the falls. The room around it seemed bigger then, but the waterfall itself, I remember being more like a trickle. I'm guessing it was a summer trip. But there was something about it that spoke to me, as a young girl. Spoke to a timeless observer in me that I wasn't even aware of yet.

This is why, today, carrying my 3 year old daughter into that place was something of a sacred act. I tolerated her incessant requests to be held largely because I was feeling a special connection to her and my little girl self at the same time. And in spite of my aching arms, I loved having her in my arms and watching her see this place for the first time. There was a moment or two when she smoothed the hair away from my face the way I do for her.

Throughout the tour, which was mostly an annoying wait in an elaborate line to keep people engaged or distracted enough to not realize they are actually waiting in line, I couldn't shake my eagerness to see it again. My mother-in-law had seen it once before as well, more than 55 years ago, when she was a young girl. My husband and father-in-law had never been. Looking at this picture now, I am so grateful for today's experience.

Ruby Falls was a force to be reckoned with today, in the middle of a warm and wet winter here. Her crashing locks filled the room with sound and mist and her presence unapologetically claimed the spotlight. And all of her strength and beauty dissolved into a small pool no deeper than the average height of a woman.

What if we women were to realize that we all have a hidden waterfall of power and strength and beauty within us? What if we could connect with that and share it with our daughters and our mothers?

Ruby Falls was named for a woman. Women Rock. ;-)

goodnight. ~k

DAY 6... or so

What a difference a day can make, when the sun shines away the puddles after living in a rain cloud. Had a semi-lazy morning, where work got done at a leisurely pace before heading out to explore a little of Chattanooga's finest... that I know of... so far.

We drove down the mountain looking at blue skies streaked with wispy white. Had a great lunch at Terminal BrewHouse where I discovered "West by God" which is the answer to anytime you've had trouble deciding between ordering the salad or the burger and fries. This puts the burger and fries on top of your salad, skips the bun, which you wanna do anyway, and can only be eaten with knife and fork. The beers were reported to be great, but I did not try one.

We followed that with a stop in The Hot Chocolatier (which should appear on Google Maps before I have to zoom all the way in to the last level. Naughty Google, editing my map finds by who pays most to be seen. I have no real knowledge that this is or isn't happening by the way. Just a thought I had and wondered about.) I treated the kids to a dessert, me to a chai latte, and all of us to various little chocolate treats to take home for later. I loved everything about this not-so-little shop of culinary love. Tremendous variety to be produced by a single location. Artisan quality, Artistry in every detail and just the right touch of Back Kitchen Voyeurism (BKV). I bought 4 truffles.

Tonight we tried the Tom Selleck of course. I have forgotten the full description, but it was chocolate with vanilla and whiskey, in honor of the simultaneous whiskey run that was happening next door. While I don't usually choose milk chocolate, this mostly milk, smooth and creamy truffle delivered expertly mingled accent flavors of whiskey and vanilla... and I think just a hint of leather, all topped with a dark chocolate zigzag interpretation of a mustache and yeah, dead ringer for a "Tom Selleck Kiss." (Hershey's or French, you decide) Can you tell I like this place?

Second thing absolutely worth mentioning, aside from the fact that everything we tried was top notch, is the milk chocolate blueberries. Again, I never pick milk, my older child picked these and I do love blueberry, but these were knock-it-out-of-the-park, never-had-anything-quite-like-it ever chocolate fantasy balls. I won't even attempt to describe them because I need to... well, I think it's possible that when a food is just too intensely pleasurable, it becomes impossible to evaluate anything tangible about the experience because all senses are in hyperdrive, all pleasure centers have been tripped. Milk.Chocolate.Blueberries. If you like blueberries, get them.

I'm spending a lot of time talking about chocolate and lunch outing because the biggest things that happened for me today came in visions during my very powerful meditation tonight. I saw a vision of myself doing a project in the future and it was one of those things that, when it happens, you look at your past, weaving and meandering through your youth, and realize that it all suddenly adds up to something unique that you alone can best create. It was a big vision. And one that needs further gestation before a public announcement would be appropriate.

Tonight I am very inspired to start becoming more focused on giving. Finding new and better and more fun ways to give. And what if the ways in which we give, over a lifetime, are the only real things in life? What if each of us began to see our own life as a gift to the world? Not that we might be worshipped; but so that we can be of service.

goodnight. ~k